


Let it burn in hell

by ImmortalAcorn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Denial, Diary/Journal, EWE, Eventual Romance, Explicit Language, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Light Angst, M/M, Post-War, Slow Build, Slow Burn, read between the lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2019-10-17 22:56:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 151
Words: 40,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17569505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmortalAcorn/pseuds/ImmortalAcorn
Summary: Pansy is a cow.It’s unbearable.This whole year will be horrible, I can already tell.orDraco hates the stupid diary and he will not be caught dead writing in it.





	1. SEPTEMBER 4th, Friday

I hate this.

I hate it all.


	2. SEPTEMBER 7th, Monday

Ugh. Honestly!

Why???


	3. SEPTEMBER 9th, Wednesday

Pansy is a cow.

It’s unbearable.

This whole year will be horrible, I can already tell.


	4. SEPTEMBER 11th, Friday

So, apparently, this is not enough.

The notebook is charmed, of-fucking-course, and Merrywhite -what a dumb name, ‘ _forgot_ ’ to mention that.

So I actually have to write… stuff. Feelings.

I don't get the purpose of this class - it's supposed to be Muggle studies, yet the notebooks are charmed? Someone missed a memo.

‘Let it all out, whatever it is. I or anyone else can’t read it, so do not worry and be yourself.’ She said this today with a manic smile.

We have to write at least three times a week in it, half a page. At the end she will tap it and feel what we wrote or whatever nonsense she explained when I wasn’t listening.

And she will know if it will be gibberish, like blah blah blah, dumb dumb, ass ass ass, whatever.

I do not want to do this.

Fuck this, fuck her and fuck this diary.


	5. SEPTEMBER 18th, Friday

I hate her, with all my being like I never hated anyone else!

I got detention this weekend, because I did not write anything in this stupid thing!

‘Consider this an opportunity, Mr. Malfoy,’ she told me after class. Opportunity for what?

I just strode away from her office, rage bubbling inside of me.

I think I might dedicate this book to my utter annoyance and anger with her.

Those are emotions right? Feelings?


	6. SEPTEMBER 20th, Sunday

The longest weekend of my life.

We were helping Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest. I was attacked by flashbacks.

Not only because of the forest, oh, no no. Potter, just like me, Pansy and some Ravenclaw I don’t know the name of, was there as well.

I thought it would be a consolation when I saw him there, that he would suffer just like the rest of us. Instead he was enjoying himself, chatting with the oaf and the no-name-Ravenclaw, occasionally a thestral or two - I think he might be going insane.

But I did suffer. I hate the fucking forest. It’s so dark and quiet. Full of shadows.

Have I mentioned that I hate this?


	7. SEPTEMBER 21st, Monday

Today I saw Pansy vigorously scribbling  into her diary.

When I asked her, what she was doing, she glared and said: ‘I don’t want to have to be meandering with Potter in the forest again. He might make it look like an accident.’

Yes, she’s obsessed with the idea that Potter is going to murder her or some such and it’s going to happen ‘very soon Draco, I feel it’.

Well. She’s mad, nothing new there.

Even I don’t believe such crap.

True, I wish I wouldn’t have to see him every day, so maybe him murdering someone would be nice and he would end up in Azkaban – although I admit, I don’t want it to be Pansy, even though she’s a menace. But I trust everyone would turn a blind eye towards such thing, even if he would march up in the ministry and admitted it, they would still smile at him and kiss his arse. Because _Saviour_ , _The Golden Boy_ , and blah blah blah.

I hope there’s mash for dinner.

 


	8. SEPTEMBER 23rd, Wednesday

Well, today was great. I only got hexed twice, I dodged the other four, which is a progress. My back still stings a bit, but nothing I can’t manage. I definitely won’t give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me in pain.

So when some Gryffindor Neanderthal’s hex hit me in the back, I just turned my head and smirked, although it fucking burned. He got mad and fired again, but I was already turning a corner, so it missed me.

My eyes did not glisten, Pansy is just blind.

 


	9. SEPTEMBER 26th, Saturday

I attended another detention today, because Merrywhite considered the amount I wrote this week insufficient. Again.

I really do loathe her.

So my writing is wide and large, so what?

Okay, it’s not and maybe I tried to trick her and her bullshit diary, but still!

How is it fair? What if someone writes really big letters? Apparently, no one else is since it was me, Potter and the Ravenclaw again. In the forest. With Hagrid.

I kind of missed Pansy. I wasn’t able to use her as a shield when a spider leapt in my face. I have no idea how it happened, I’m sure it wanted to devour me.

So I started screaming, deep manly shout of surprise. They just stood there and laughed while I was fighting the beast.

Idiots.


	10. SEPTEMBER 29th, Tuesday

Sunday was even more unbearable.

How I detest that damn forest! And people there with me.

I tried to ignore them, but Merlin, it was impossible.

I especially ignored Potter - I really try this year.

I would be the happiest if I wouldn’t see him at all. He’s more irritating than ever, now that he is a _hero_ and all..

And I can not really insult him out in the open now, can I? It would practically be suicide.

So I don’t. I don’t look, listen or say anything in his presence. Or, at least, I do it as little as possible.

I wish I wasn’t here.

Anywhere else but here…


	11. OCTOBER 4th, Sunday

So I forgot to write anything for few days. I do have a life.

But she doesn’t seem to get that there are more important things than writing about feelings. Like sleeping, learning, eating and sleeping again?

I bet she just writes all kinds of shit every day, all day.

This weekend’s detention consisted of me, the Ravenclaw and Scarhead. Fun times. We were helping professor Sprout with repotting the mandrakes. As I said, _fun times_.

At least I couldn’t hear anything through those ear muffs. What a relief.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t blinded, so I saw the git working opposite me the whole time. His technique was horrendous. I didn’t say anything of course. Even when he caught me looking questioningly at his ‘progress’ and he frowned, I restrained myself. He was saying something, something definitely stupid, knowing him. I willed my face to stay unmoving, kept my mouth shut. He frowned some more and dug his hands deeper into the soil and then proceeded to cover his face with the gloves that were dripping wet dirt. Which, okay, was hilarious and I couldn’t keep myself from laughing. He almost choked on it, angry expression on his face. Sprout came barreling over, fussing over him. He went red as a tomato.

Today I was fortunate enough to work alongside the Ravenclaw. He wasn’t as funny as Potter, but at least the view was better. Everything is better than that stupid head, which stayed helping Sprout because he is completely incompetent. Just as I always said.

 


	12. OCTOBER 5th, Monday

A letter from mother came, informing me she went to visit father in Azkaban. She expressed her desire to come together during the Christmas hols to celebrate as a family. I imagine we will even have a Christmas tree in his cell.

She asked me about my studies and my health. It was a lovely letter, really. So I burned it. I didn’t want anyone to see the love and comfort oozing from it and get jealous.


	13. OCTOBER 7th, Wednesday

Pansy loves her diary. So does Blaise.

Even Greg writes in it, which is a surprise. Everyone does. Wherever I look, the eighth years sit hunched over them, pouring their emotions on the parchment. 

Why??? The whole thing is pointless. It’s just for Merrywhite to read our most personal thoughts. She might say otherwise, but I don’t believe her. I bet the spell lets her read it somehow. Like pensieve memories or something. I have to look into it.

I did not get hexed today! That’s a first in a long time.

Merlin, this lesson is boooring!!

 

P.S.: My apologies, I spoke too soon. I did get hexed, just as I was leaving the library this evening. I only hope the bruise will disappear come morning. It doesn’t suit my complexion.

 


	14. OCTOBER 8th, Thursday

The bruise stayed. Purple, under my eye, no matter how many salves or spells I used. Pansy winced when she saw me at breakfast.

‘What happened?’ she asked. I told her a book hit me while I was reading it lying in bed.

‘Must’ve been some heavy book,’ she narrowed her eyes and leaned closer. I shoved her away to keep on eating.

She recommended the hospital wing. I politely declined her advice with: ‘Fuck off, Pans,’ and continued stuffing my face with eggs. If it was possible, her eyes narrowed even more and I doubt she was able to see anything. I started conversing with Blaise and she finally stopped staring.


	15. OCTOBER 9th, Friday

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Mr. Malfoy, this exercise is for your own benefit. You’re not doing it for me, trust me.’

‘But I wrote the amount you wanted!’

‘Even though that’s true, I could feel it was not sincere. I am sorry, but I can not accept this and you will have to serve detention this weekend again.’

‘How the hell do you know it’s not sincere?’

‘Mr. Malfoy. The spell is very advanced magic and it lets me know everything I need to know. Just write from the heart.’

‘Are you fucking serious?!’

‘Mr. Malfoy! I will not tolerate this language. Ten points from Slytherin.’

‘You fucking suck!’

‘Twenty points and detention for the rest of the month!’

‘Whatever. You still suck.’

‘Another twenty…!’

At that point I was already out of the classroom, boiling with rage.

So now I am writing in this damn thing, I managed to make several holes in the pages with my quill, that’s how pissed off I am. I want to make the whole diary one big hole. I swear I’ll burn it when the year’s over.

I would be interested what her spell would tell her then about my fucking feelings.


	16. OCTOBER 10th, Saturday

We lost the Ravenclaw. Yes, he succumbed to the bullshit, apparently. So it was only me and Potter. And Filch. And his cat. Cleaning his office. If I could, I would've cursed him. I doubt we were supposed to do this. But maybe Merrywhite just wanted to punish me and this was actually what we were meant to be doing. She might have forgotten, in her rage, that the Saviour was here too. Joke’s on her then. Although not really. It was agony cleaning the stinking small room, with Filch over us, ordering us around. He was sneering all the time. The fucker enjoyed it. For two whole hours!

‘Thank god it’s over,’ Potter said when we finally got out the hell hole. We started walking together in the same direction. It was super weird.

‘So… what are your plans for the evening?’ he blurted out of nowhere.

‘Excuse me?’ I asked and glared at him.

‘I mean, it’s starting to be awkward no? We’re walking almost together, although you’re like two metres behind me, silently.’ He looked behind himself where I slowed down and stopped walking altogether.

‘So making small talk or whatever it is you’re trying to do is so much better?’ I scoffed.

‘Er, yes?’

‘No, Potter, it definitely is not.’ I went ahead of him and down the stairs. I practically ran, just to get away from him and his annoyingness.

‘Pleasure as always, Malfoy,’ he yelled, disgruntled.

I smirked to myself and flipped him off, not even looking at him. It was good to know I could still do that. Irritate him. Even if I only did the bare minimum.


	17. OCTOBER 12th, Monday

Sunday morning – and by morning I mean 6AM!! - I had my detention. Filch, Potter, cleaning the corridors (??). I didn’t even managed to have breakfast. My stomach was growling pretty loudly as I was hurrying to the Great Hall. I didn’t notice Potter trailing behind me. We didn’t talk at all during the companionable and pointless work we did for Filch’s amusement. Or rather, Potter didn’t try his hand in small talk again. Thank Merlin for small mercies.

There was no food left as I finally entered the Hall. So I turned and barely avoided the git. ‘No breakfast for you Potter,’ I smirked and headed to the kitchens. To my utter bewilderment he followed close behind me.

‘What are you doing?’ I glared at him.

‘I’m going to the kitchens.’

‘What?’

‘The kitchens? It’s where the elves make food?’

‘I know what kitchen is!’

‘You asked, I was just answering.’

I stayed unmoving for a moment while he walked in front of me. ‘How do you know where they are?’ I finally managed to move my legs and reluctantly followed behind him, I was seriously starving, there was no other way.

‘How do you know?’ he asked back, already tickling the pear. And then the elves circled around us, giving us sausages, bread, muffins, butter, pumpkin juice. I was tempted to take it to my room. But the hunger won. So I basically had breakfast with Potter. Reasonable five metres separating us. He was stuffing his face like he never ate before. It was disgusting.

‘What?’ he said with his mouth still full.

I scrunched my nose in disgust. ‘You’re gross.’ He wanted to say something and undefinable chewed food ended in his plate. At least he had enough shame to go red. ‘Yes, thank you for confirming that.’ I went back to my food. Which I ate as a civilised person. He spluttered something undistinguishable.

He finished first – what a surprise – and lingered at the door. I looked up where he was standing, scratching his neck. ‘You have my permission to leave. No need for small talk, Potter,’ I waved my hand to dismiss him.

I saw his jaw set tight. I couldn’t not smirk. It was hilarious. He left without another word and I was left in peace.

In the afternoon, the sun came out and we went to study outside. Pansy brought her bloody diary.

‘Can you not bring that thing everywhere?’ I scowled.

‘No. I like it. You should try it, maybe than you wouldn’t be such pain in the arse.’

Blaise snorted. ‘Yeah Draco, maybe then you wouldn’t have to spend your weekends with Potter,’ he rolled his eyes

‘What is that supposed to mean?’ I asked him, because the way he said it was suspicious.

‘It almost seems like you want it that way.’

I glared at him. ‘There’s so much wrong in that sentence of yours that I’m not even going to dignify it with a response.’

We studied til dinner and when I lay myself in bed, the exhaustion caught up with me. The day, and the week, the month, the awful writing, Potter.

 


	18. OCTOBER 15th, Thursday

Seventh year Hufflepuffs accosted me today in the bathroom. Hufflepuffs! I would’ve laughed, but it wasn’t very funny at that time.

I am losing all my dignity this year, it seems. If it wasn’t for the ban of the hexes, jinxes and curses on my wand, I would retaliate. But alas…

So as the bruise under my eye finally disappeared after what felt like ages, I sport another one. But this time on my jaw. Yeah, they weren’t very inventive I must say. They decided to go muggle on me. I’m not much of a fighter, and really, what could I have done against the five of them? I mean, I tried my best, I think I kicked one on a shin. Good effort.

So I lied there, on the floor, after they left, relaxing. When I finally got in the common room, I asked Greg who was sitting on the sofa, to get Daphne and apparently fainted or some crap. I then woke up in my bed, feeling fresh and healed.

Daphne is good with healing charms, why bother Pomfrey, Pansy? Get a grip.

I thanked everyone gathered around my bed and picked up my transfiguration book. They looked concerned, lecturing and convincing me to tell someone. I smiled and kindly told them to piss off.

Pansy sat beside me with her diary. When I glared at her, long and hard, she swapped it for Witch Weekly.

Honestly, it’s no big deal. Nothing really happened.


	19. OCTOBER 17th, Saturday

I could just strangle her.

‘Unfortunately, no, it is not, Mr. Malfoy,’ the bint said when I asked, if it was finally to her satisfaction.

Not that it matters, I am going to spend the rest of the month in detention. Thank Merlin it’s only on weekends. I don’t know if she realises that she could’ve happily assigned it for every day.

I bit my tongue really hard not to curse at her again. I was very close to drawing blood.

And today I had the pleasure of once again spending my time with Potter and Hagrid and his giant brother or whatever in the Forest. Good times, as always. I was glad for those two being there though. Because Potter at least didn’t feel the need to talk to me.

We were feeding all kind of creatures today. Thestrals among them. It was so much fun, watching them tearing dead animals apart and then devouring them with their sharp teeth. That was on my list of things to see before I die. Urgh!! Never again!


	20. OCTOBER 18th, Sunday

I underestimated her. She really managed to surprise me with a day long suffering. From 10am to 5pm I spent my day in the FUCKING FOREST!!!

I completely blanked out after two hours and did everything I was told without really thinking about it. I think it was better that way.

So I don't really remember much - what I do remember is them talking and walking and animals and more walking. My eyes kept straying to Potter. Because he was dirty and disgusting and there. Better than watching anywhere else.

His hair is abominable. His glasses are absolutely ridiculous. His laughter is fucking annoying. So is his stupid smile. Everything about him irritates me. I came up with so many insults in my head. But I am not going to waste my breath on him.

 


	21. OCTOBER 20th, Tuesday

The hexes are becoming harder to heal. I have no idea why, if they are somehow altered or what, but the damn bruises and cuts stay! Honestly, they don't suit me at all. Especially when they're on my face, which seems to become a favourite place to aim them at recently.

Potter had the audacity to ask me after the potions about the cut on my forehead. I told him to fuck off. But the dumb git did not get the message and kept asking his stupid questions.

'What do you care, Potter? It is none of your business, is it?'

'So what? I should just let it be?'                                                                            

'Yes!' At this point, I waved my arms, exasperated with his gall.

It was like I said nothing, he kept going. 'Who did it? It's bullying you know. And if they're doing it to you, they can do it to anyone else. McGonagall has to know about this.'

Well, enough to say I lost it then. 'Who do you think you are to stick your big nose in my life? Go save your fucking fans or whatever you do with your free time, but stay away from me! And do something with that mop on your head, it's gross!'

He stood there, red and angry as I walked away. Fuck Potter! And fuck Merrywhite too!


	22. OCTOBER 26th, Monday

I'm getting seriously tired of this school, people and even air. I suffocate here. More and more every day. The diary is still not enough. I don't fucking care. I want to throw Merrywhite to some beast in the Forest so I wouldn't have to see her ever again.

The detention this weekend was awful, just like every time. Hagrid again. Still Potter as well. Potter, who didn't take my advice about the hair. He scowled most of the time, for whatever reason, both days. I would thank anyone who made his life miserable. I think he deserves it, to some extent.

Pansy and her diary are exhausting. She seems unable to stop scratching in it. Blaise is no fun either. He won't tell me, but I know he has someone who he sneaks after in the night. I asked and he basically told me I'm delusional. So I suggested we should have _fun_ together just to prove mzself right, but he waved me off and said we should not do it anymore. I wasn't up for it anyway, nothing can get me up for it anymore. Greg picked up reading recently, which is shocking and I read with him. His presence is unexpectedly  calming.

My encounters with nasty spells continue, so do the ones with fists, knees and, funnily enough, with heads. I don't try to heal myself anymore. Daphne did bother when she saw me on Friday, I told her not to, it would be pointless and I was right. As always. I deserve it anyways, probably. I don't want to but I have to go with it. There's nothing else I can do.

I want it to be summer. I want to go away and don't see anyone. I want to be left alone.


	23. OCTOBER 29th, Thursday

I was minding my own business, as I always do. I don't bother anyone. But, yet again, I was cornered at the end of the day, coming back to the dungeons. By girls. Yes, awfully awkward. I think they were sixth years. Even worse. They used basic jinxes, strong but easily healed. They cursed me, they always do on these occasions and after two months I learned to tune most of it out. So I didn't really heard or registered when Potter appeared. They started walking away from me and that's when I saw him, standing opposite looking at me with pity. Pity!!

I felt blood running from my nose right into my mouth. I was embarrassed and mad as all hell. I charged at him, pushing him against a stone wall.

'What the fuck you didn't understand about staying away?' I saw drops of blood landing on his cheek and glasses. I was spitting blood on him and I was disgusted but didn't pull away.

'I was just walking by.'

'The fuck you were.' My forearm was firmly on the base of his neck. If I pushed it just a bit harder and higher, I could maybe break some bones or stop air coming to his lungs. I could maybe hit him there. That thought made me jump away. I picked up my bag from the ground and left.

I was disgusted with myself. I still am. I am horrified. I am going crazy.

Because I don't want to kill him, not really. But that idea, the image of me doing it was so ugly and frightfully exhilarating at the same time. What is wrong with me?  I'm not a murderer. He said I wasn’t. I don't want to be one.

I blame Potter. Merrywhite. Voldemort. My parents. Dumbledore. I blame myself.

I am truly pathetic.


	24. OCTOBER 30th, Friday

Well surprise, surprise. I finally managed to fool her. Or something.

'Congratulations Mr. Malfoy. Was that so hard now?' I stared at her. I barely wrote twice this week. The spell got damaged or something.

Anyway, hopefully I can repeat whatever I did the next week. If I only knew what it was.

Still, this weekend's detention stays as it is. I hope it is the last.


	25. OCTOBER 31st, Saturday

 

They want to go to that Halloween party and partake in its lurid activities. They are trying to persuade me to go with them.

Sure. It's not even McGonagall approved. Someone from the eighth year, whose name I didn't remember when Blaise told me yesterday, organised it without her permission.

I wouldn't care, I'm always up for a party but not with people who hate me and possibly want me dead. I don't understand why they want to go. It's in Gryffindor common room! It means not only eighth years will be there - every fucking Gryffindork will.

'No thank you, Pansy. I have no desire to get killed tonight,' I told her when she was pulling at my sleeve (that's exactly what she's doing right now). Blaise is putting a cologne on. Daphne is painting her nails. Pansy is already all prepped up in red (!) dress.

'Don't be dramatic,' she sighed then and started rummaging through my clothes. I put an end to it by waving my wand and she barely avoided having her fingers stuck between the wardrobe’s doors.

And so it went on and on for a good hour. I don't know what happened to all of them. They're suddenly up for mingling with other houses. It's like I'm the only one who stayed sane!

Merlin, Pansy won't shut up!

I hope they leave soon so I c


	26. NOVEMBER 1st, Sunday

It's the day after the party that I unfortunately attended. Against my will. Pansy just ripped the diary out of my hands and pushed me off the bed. She was lucky I didn't break anything. 'Salazar, you're such a queen,' she snorted and proceeded, once again, opening the wardrobe and throwing clothes at me. I ended up dressed just as I was, much to her dismay. I agreed to go, using some growling sounds, but made it clear I wouldn't make any effort for this.

And so we ended up in an awfully decorated Gryffindor common room. With lots of Gryffindors. I think six year and up. Did people stare when we walked in? Yes. And then Pansy waved at some girl in similar red dress and was off. I stared after her and turned around to look at Blaise and demand answers but he was gone too. The only one who stuck with me was Greg. I dragged him in the corner.

'Where did everyone go?' I asked, avoiding the glares aiming for us.

'I don't know.' So yes, Greg was helpful as always.

I wanted to stay in that corner or better yet to flee this abomination of a room. But then Pansy came hurling back, smile plastered on her red lips and was pulling me back into the light, Greg trailing behind. She introduced us to the girl, Leah or Lena, let's settle on the first. She was nice I guess. She didn't hex me so there's that. We sat on the couch, Leah bringing us some questionable drinks. We drank and talked – or they did, I listened and stayed alert for any wand waving.

After an hour, a group of seventh year Ravenclaw girls decided that it would be a good idea to play some games. Something with a bottle. Pansy and Leah immediately jumped off the sofa into the circle of people on the carpet. Greg had an idea to join too, judging by his standing up. I put that to an end when I yanked him back next to me. It was his fault too that I was here. Granted, he didn't try to persuade me to go, but didn't say anything against others either. So he stayed put.

Potter didn't join either. Because he sat next to Greg with a bottle of beer. And then something awful happened. Greg smiled (!) at Potter and Potter smiled back! What is the world coming to…

So we sat there, the three of us, best friends, and watched as the game started. The bottle in the middle spinned, pointed at some girl and then she was kissing some other girl. At that moment I was unbelievably happy I didn't participate. But I admit, I watched the game with morbid curiosity.  So much so that I didn't even noticed when there was suddenly Greg, kissing someone with brown hair.

I looked if Potter was still there. He was. Sipping his beer, smirking at the couple.

'What are you smirking at?' I frowned at him.

He shrugged. 'Nothing. He seems like he's enjoying it, no?'

I sat back deeper into the cushions, not giving an answer. Despite it being red and in a room where it was, the sofa was comfortable. I was probably falling asleep, the drink was definitely alcoholic - although I couldn't really tell, it was so sweet - because Potter looked at me weirdly. I saw a smile and then I blinked, came to my senses and it was gone.

'Are you tired from today?' he asked.

'Yes, and yesterday. I don't get...' I caught myself just in time to blurt something more. 'Another small talk?'

'I guess.' It was grounds today. Cleaning and seeding... stuff. I don't really know.

I was staring at the circle, the no-name Ravenclaw and a Hufflepuff probably, in a lip lock.

'So how's school?'

I growled. This was pathetic. 'Seriously Potter. Let's not talk.'

'But it's awkward sitting next to each other, not saying a word.'

'There's almost two metres between us. And trust me when I say, those pathetic sounds coming out of your mouth are much worse.' And just like that he was beside me, knees touching. I jumped up and off the sofa. He looked at me in surprise. 'What the fuck?' He shrugged and said that it looked like I minded the distance. Ha! 'The further you are from me, Potter, the better.' I exited the room and went to the dungeons.

When I was leaving, I glimpsed Pansy kissing Lovegood. Dear Merlin, they would all regret this soon.

 

 

 

Okay, what the fuck did I just write this novel for??!!! No more! This damn diary won't beat me. I swear on my life.

I hate thiiis!!!!!


	27. NOVEMBER 3rd, Tuesday

Potter is everywhere I look. Literally.

He's following me around, probably thinking (in his small brain) that I'm blind. I  know what he's fucking doing.

He's bored, has nobody to save anymore so he chose me. Maybe because I was the first 'victim' (which - I'm not a victim of anything) he saw wandering around. Or because he pities me, which really makes him stupid. Or maybe because he's gone mad and thinks we're not enemies, which haha, joke's on him because we will always be enemies. Or maybe because it's just how Potter operates, because he's dumb as a stick.

Never mind the reason, he's fucking annoying!


	28. NOVEMBER 4th, Wednesday

Today, before dinner: I was rounding a corner, knowing he was somewhere behind me, so I stood there and waited. He almost barged right into me. His eyes were wide and nervous, he knew I got him.

'Hello,' he said, making a step back.

'I know what you're doing and it has to stop for fuck sake!' I did not expect my shouting, but well.

'I don't know what...'

'Just stop it Potter! My apologies if someone hit you over the head or you hit it yourself because you're just that stupid, but I don't care! Go to Pomfrey to have a look at it and leave me alone!'  It was all going out, this pent up energy and anger and it felt good. I missed insulting Potter. And screaming at him felt pretty damn good.

'You really are the same, aren't you?' he raised his eyebrows at me.

'I am,' I breathed out. Did he think I turned into a saint over night? What kind of shit was going on in his brain ? (Pretending he has one.)

'Hm, of course,' with that he walked around me, heading to dinner.

I just hope I'm rid of him now. 


	29. NOVEMBER 7th, Saturday

I can't believe it worked again. I don't know what 'it' is, but it got me a free weekend to do whatever I want. I went to the library. I love it there. The smell, the air, the dust, the books. The quiet. I sat there for hours, reading.

Then I ate and went flying with Theo and Greg. Blaise was nowhere to be found. As per usual these days. We played for two hours. I stayed after and flew some more. I finished when it was getting dark and my muscles ached. I heard some rustling behind me as I was going up the stairs to the castle. I looked behind me and it was Potter. It caught me by surprise, not seeing him all day gave me a false hope of security.

'Potter,' I sneered.

'Malfoy,' he said and came up the stairs, getting ahead of me.

I obviously couldn't keep my mouth shut. 'Following me again?'

'Hardly. I had a detention,' he said and kept on walking.

'Too bad.'

'Not really,' he mumbled, although I'm not quite sure.

'You like having detention every weekend?' Yes, he sure was crazy.

'I don't mind it.' With that he walked into the Great Hall and went to his table.

I was starving. I piled up my plate with everything I could reach. And now I'm so full and so sleepy.

I hope there will be pancakes for breakfast.


	30. NOVEMBER 8th, Sunday

I'm lying in one of the uncomfortable beds of the infirmary. It's almost midnight and I can't sleep. I broke my arm. Or I fell of the broom and my arm broke.

I went flying again today. I wasn't even warm enough yet and I felt a weird vibration in the broom. It broke in half, right under me and there was nothing I could do. I was lucky though that I wasn't very high up. So I went down and I heard the bones cracking.

I lied there for some time until I tried to stand up. My ankle hurt and my left arm was limp by my side but I managed to get to the castle. People were coming to dinner and I saw Theo coming out of the dungeons. I was leaning against the wall near the entrance. He saw me and I waved at him to come. He helped me to the infirmary, asked me what happened. I told him the same thing I then told Pomfrey. 'I was trying out some new tricks on the broom and I fell.' Theo didn't look convinced but Pomfrey didn't question it.

I knew someone rigged my broom. But there's no point in sharing the information.

Bad news is, I will have to stay here for few days to completely heal. Because Pomfrey said my body was weak and I needed to rest. She detected some dark magic in me, which was not a surprise really and by the look she gave me, she wasn’t surprised either. 'It can happen sometimes, when a person is in the presence of it for a long time.' She patted me on the shoulder and went to her office.

I didn't tell her. And maybe she was right, maybe the long term living arrangements of last year affected me in this way.

Pansy came later, sat on my bed and chatted away. She didn't ask. Probably knew from Theo. It was nice, just talking to her about random stuff, laughing here and there. Until she stood up and kissed my cheek. 'You should really tell someone, Draco, or you'll end up dead one of these times.' She turned on her heal and was gone before I even opened my mouth.

She tells me I am dramatic. But she is the biggest drama queen of us all.


	31. NOVEMBER 10th, Tuesday

One more day and I can leave here. And thank Merlin, because this room suffocates me. I have to lie in this bed all day.

Blaise brought me some homework worth of two days and a chocolate muffin. Bless him. Pansy and Greg came and she read Witch Weekly while bitching about this and that. Greg was quiet, lingering at the foot of the bed. When he was leaving, he squeezed my bad ankle in a way that was probably supposed to be comforting. It was painful. And a cherry on top - a visit from the headmistress. She inquired about how I was feeling, what happened and such. I told her the same story as I was telling everyone.

'Mr. Malfoy. Your broom was found on the pitch, broken in half.'

'Yes, it was an old one, I should have taken better care of it.'

'It was one of the newest models.'

'Well, I guess it had some flaws.' She pursed her lips so much they disappeared.

'Bullying is not acceptable at Hogwarts, I hope you know it,' she said suddenly.

'I don't bully anyone.'

And then: 'Don't act stupid Mr. Malfoy, it's unbecoming. We both know someone spelled your broom.'

My eyes almost popped out of my head. There was silence. She looked menacing. 'I swear, headmistress, there's no bullying going on.'

She narrowed her eyes. 'Very well,' then she wished me to get better and not to stay behind with my studies. She chatted with Pomfrey for a while in her office, then left with one last narrowed look at my face.

I should have burned the fucking broom and avoided all this unnecessary talk.


	32. NOVEMBER 11th, Wednesday

I was limping out of the hospital wing this evening, my ankle still a bit off, when I saw Potter leaning against the wall few steps ahead. I considered turning around and go back rather than encountering him, but he's already seen me. I was tired and energized at the same time, weirdly enough, and wasn't in the mood for his idiocy.

He was looking at me as I went past him. 'So you feel better then?'

'Yeah.' I mumbled it, hoping it would get the message of don't bother me! to his thick skull. It didn't. I was walking as fast as I could, considering. He was walking behind me, silently, down the stairs, through the corridors. Until I had enough. I stopped abruptly and turned around. I didn't say a thing, just glared at him.

'I found your broom, after my detention,' he said.

'Of course it was you,' I gritted through my teeth. 'And you were running straight to McGonagall.'

'Yeah.' He nodded, looking perfectly at ease.

'I told you Potter, I don't...'

'This is not about you, Malfoy. It's about the principle.'

'Principle? Of what?'

'Is this,' he motioned towards me (like I was some thing), 'what we fought for? This hatred? I don't want any more of it.'

The words made me angry. 'I'm so sad for you. The world doesn't turn as our Saviour wants it to. I have a news for you, Potter. Just because you 'saved the world' doesn't mean you can control it. If people want to hate, they can and will hate and you can't do anything about it. So get your dumb head out of your arse and look around. Not everyone is good, not everyone fought against him and not everyone wants your fucking help!' I was panting after I finished, I might have even spat at him.

He infuriated me even more when he remained completely calm. The old Potter would shout back, insult. This one just stood there and watched me. 'Nice speech, Malfoy. I hope you feel better?'

No, I didn't. 'Fuck off.' I went straight to the dormitory. Everyone was still at dinner. I wasn't really hungry and for whatever reason, my eyes started to sting. I lied down in my bed and was extremely horrified when tears starting rolling down. Horrible noises came out of my throat so I smothered them with a pillow.

I'm sitting at the table in the common room now, laughing when appropriate, saying something witty here and there. It's good. I've never been better.


	33. NOVEMBER 13th, Friday

Slughorn had a great idea today to pair us up. All of the eighth year have potions together. And out of all the people I could've ended up with, I got Weasley. He was utterly useless. Not bothering to weigh the ingredients properly or cutting them, completely deaf towards the instruction.

We barely spoke. And the potion turned out vile. Weird, brown colour and thick consistency. And the smell! I don't understand how Granger could stand him. And it's saying something, me feeling bad for her.

I could have done it all by myself but why? It was supposed to be joined effort. It was, at least from my side. Weasley didn't make any effort to make it at least half decent.

And then there was Merrywhite who completely lost all her marbles.

'I am so happy with the progress you are making Mr. Malfoy! I can feel the emotion oozing out of these pages!' She waved the diary before my eyes. 'The detention helped, didn't it?

'Yes, sure.'

'Marvellous!' With that she let me out of her office.

My ankle doesn't hurt anymore and my arm feels much better too. Pomfrey agreed it's all good when I went to the check-up.

And besides one tripping jinx and the Weasley torture at potions today, everything is great.


	34. NOVEMBER 16th, Monday

I had to catch up on a lot of homework. I practically lived in the library. Pansy kept me company, although she was not studying. She kept talking in hushed whispers. Rustling pages of her magazine, then when Leah came they started giggling. They were talking about boys, who was cute and who was not. My brain hurt.

'Can you take it somewhere else? I am trying to learn something here,' I angrily whispered to them on Saturday afternoon.

‘Draco, have you heard?’ It was like I said nothing. ‘Potter and the Weasley girl broke up.’

‘Okay? And I should care why?’ I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they would get stuck in my brain.

‘How long has it been? Since august?’ Pansy asked and Leah answered: ‘Yeah, I think so.’

‘I wonder…’

‘Please don’t.’ I snapped. ‘Fuck’s sake. Keep quiet or leave.’

'Merlin,' Pansy looked at me, laughed and continued with their conversation. I closed the book with a loud thud and Pince shushed me! Pansy snickered. 'Draco, you must be quiet in the library, don't you know? Shhh.' But then, they finally got bored and left.

I only left in the evening, when it was already dark outside and when Potter and Granger came and sat at the table opposite mine. Because every other table was empty. I gathered all my stuff and walked outside.

Sunday was the same, only I sat with Blaise and Daphne.

'What are you looking so happy for?' I asked him when he kept staring through the window dreamily for a good half an hour.

'Oh, he's definitely in love,' Daphne snickered and prolonged the last word, ' aren't you, Blaise?'

'Life's good,' was all he said and shrugged.

'Seriously, who is it? Why won't you tell? I thought we were friends,' I said petulantly. It really irritated me he didn't want to share. We were friends, even did some things beyond what friends do. 'I won't be jealous, if that's what you think.'

He laughed then, Pince shushed him with an angry look. 'I know you won't,' he laughed again, quietly, like it was the funniest shit he's ever heard.

'What?'

'Nothing. It's just... it is still very new. You'll know, in the right time.' I didn't respond. Daphne was fishing for more and I only half listened to them. If he didn't want to tell me, then be it.

I played some chess with Greg in the evening. Easy win, really, but it was him who wanted to play, so I showed him master level class chess. I don't think he got it.

Today, I was hiding for an hour in some abandoned corridor behind a tapestry, when some oafs from Gryffindor were literally chasing me, laughing like mad men, throwing spells at me. Some hit me. And really, my running surprised me. Usually I just take it. But this time, the laughter, crazy and happy, it was too much like Him. Too much.


	35. NOVEMBER 19th, Thursday

No Pansy, I do not want to go to another party on Friday! Yes, I would definitely rather study than have 'fun'.

Stop smiling like a loon Zabini! It's annoying.

Yes Theo, you can borrow a quill. Third in two days.

No Greg, this is not how a knight moves. No, not that either. Almost.

Pansy, for the hundredth time, I am not going to that stupid party!!!!!

Like, why?? Why is it their mission to make me loose whatever's left of my nerves?


	36. NOVEMBER 21st, Saturday

This must be the worst day of my life. It started with a pounding headache - I opened my eyes and found myself in the Ravenclaw common room, lying on the carpet, with some girl on top of me. I couldn’t remember how I got there. Or what was her name. I remembered attending, or rather being dragged to the party. (And I really must fight more the next time for my right to do what I want – not to party.) I remembered alcohol, lots of it. I remembered some games and then I was waking up. (Very reckless of me, to just sleep in the enemy's territory!) 

I pushed the girl off me and stood up. I felt dizzy but somehow managed to leave the room and get into the dungeons. It was early morning and the castle was exceptionally quiet. I ended up in my bed and probably fell asleep again because I was awaken by noise coming out of the other beds. The hangings opened and there was Blaise’s head. ‘I thought I heard you snoring. How was it?’ he wiggled his eyebrows at me.

‘How was what? I honestly don’t remember much.’

‘Wow, you were really sloshed then.’

‘Told you,’ I heard Theo laugh.

‘Will one of you tell me what happened? I woke up on the floor, my back hurts.’

‘You had fun,’ Blaise shrugged.

‘You’re very vague,’ I got up and swayed only a bit, ‘Theo, you tell me then.’

‘Oh, my pleasure,’ he said and Blaise snorted, putting on clothes. ‘You had so much fun that at one point you started dancing on the sofa, with your wand held up high  shouting Lumos!’

‘Please tell me that’s not a euphemism,’ I whispered, feeling my face getting warm. 

‘No, unfortunately, but that would be much more fun!’ he was enjoying it way too much. ‘Imagine!’

‘I’d rather not,’ murmured Greg, still in his bed.

I dreaded it but I asked what happened then. Apparently I was very talkative after a few drinks. And I laughed? I played some games, which - of course - since my inhibitions were so low. At one point I had to ask Theo to repeat a sentence. ‘You were very chummy with Potter, you talked for some time, right Blaise?’ I am never drinking again. I bet it was spiked with something.

‘Yeah, as I said. And then Penny sat between you two and you started snogging. That’s about it, I think.’ So that explained the floor and the girl. I felt very embarrassed and hoped that we would not talk about it, ever again. i still feel embarrassed.

At breakfast Pansy laughed when she saw me and started to recount the evening once more. ‘Thank you, Pans, but I already had the pleasure.’

‘Oh good, did they tell you about Potter?’

‘They did!’ I unintentionally raised my voice. ‘And I don’t want to hear anything anymore about that night. And just so you know, I am never going to be dragged to a party by you.’

‘What a drama queen,’ she sighed. Before I had a chance to react someone was pushing between me and Pansy. She squealed and glared at the person. It was the girl. Judging by her outfit, I made out with a Hufflepuff! Why? 

‘Good morning,’ she cooed and went in for a kiss. I leaned back, bumping into Greg’s shoulder. I put my arm out to stop her. An ‘er’ was everything that came out of my mouth. I was horrified. (I am horrified. Hufflepuff, dear Merlin. I still can't fathom it out. I thought my tastes were better, even when drunk!!)

‘What are you doing?’ she … giggled - that's the only word for the sound that came out of her. I was staring at her in what I believe was utter bewilderment. Pansy was glaring  at the back of her head with a mix of amusement and death glare. No one pushes Pansy away.

‘I think…’ I didn’t think anything. I was lost for words.

‘This is a Slytherin table. Why are you sitting here?’ Greg’s voice carried from beyond my head.

‘I am sitting with my boyfriend, of course,’ she patted my thigh.

And that was just too much. ‘I think there was a misunderstanding. It was fun yesterday,’ as if I could remember, ‘but I don’t think this,’ I motioned between us, ‘would work. I was drunk.’ I was half lying on Greg’s side.

She stood up so quickly I barely registered it. ‘Of course, what could I even expect from a Death Eater,’ she spat the words, leaning towards me and then whispering, ‘but if you ever want, you know, I’m here. I bet you don’t have many options.’ Rude much? She turned and strode away to her table. I looked around but no one paid this little exchange any attention, or so it seemed, besides few people around our table.

‘What the fuck?’ I straightened and shook my head.

‘That was a prime example, my dear, of a badger who is out of the loop,’ Pansy said seriously.

‘Yeah,’ Greg nodded. And I had to agree.


	37. NOVEMBER 22nd, Sunday

I don’t know what to say anymore - here is what I remember from the 'extraordinary' exchange that occurred yesterday evening in the library.

Potter: ‘Hey.’

‘Potter.’

Potter: ‘Yes, I’ll sit, thanks.’

‘What are you doing?’

Potter: ‘Studying, obviously.’

‘Well you can choose a different table. This one’s occupied.’

Potter: ‘But here’s plenty of space.’

‘Stop making yourself comfortable…’

Potter: ‘How are you today?’

‘Awesome. Why are you smiling?’

Potter: ‘Nothing. How’s Penny?’

‘Who?’

Potter: ‘The girl from yesterday? The one you snogged the life out of?’

‘Shut up. None of your business.’

Potter: ‘Okay. So how much do you remember?’

‘I remember everything.’

Potter: ‘Do you?’

‘Seriously, shut up or leave.’

Potter: ‘What did we talk about then?’

‘Something I’ve already forgotten because it was irrelevant.’

Potter: ‘Sure. So let me refresh it for you. We agreed on a seekers game for tomorrow. Does that ring a bell?’

‘No.’

Potter: ‘Well, if you’re afraid of losing, we can cancel it.’

‘I know what you’re doing.’

Potter: ‘Do you? So you want to cancel or not?’

‘… ‘

Potter: ‘Great. See you at four.’

And then he left. I have no idea what happened or how I agreed to the stupid game with the git.

It’s currently two in the afternoon. And there is no way in HELL I am going to meet with him.


	38. NOVEMBER 23rd, Monday

I hate to say it, but I did go. What I hate to admit even more - it wasn’t the worst. Bad, but not the worst. I came there and the pitch was empty. I was holding Greg’s broom, because I didn’t have a new one of my own. I thought it was a prank, but then he showed up couple of minutes later.

‘Are you ready to lose?’ he asked and flew up with a snitch in hand. We played for about two hours, until he caught it. I was sweaty and tired walking back to the castle.

‘We can have a rematch, if you want,’ he said with a satisfied grin.

‘This was a one-time thing, Potter. A decision made in a delusional state of mind.’

‘Hm. Was it? Did the snogging made you delusional?’

‘You can shut up,’ I said and felt my face heat up. It was so embarrassing.

He laughed. ‘I mean, she was nice, pushed me away very gently.’

‘Merlin,’ I did not know if he was being serious, ‘you can have her then.’

‘No, thanks.’ Then we walked in silence. It was so weird. So … bizarre, on every possible level.

‘So, the rematch?’ he asked in front of the stairs to the castle.

‘I said no already. I was serious.’ I was.

‘Oh, come on, don’t you want to try to beat me at least once?’ he smirked.

‘What are you doing, Potter? We’re not friends. It is highly improbable we become friends at all.’ I was getting cold.

‘I know we’re not. I just want to play quidditch with you.’ He shook his head then, like I was the one who was being an idiot.

‘Why?’

Long silence. I thought he froze. ‘I honestly don’t know.’

‘Good. There you go, you went mental.’ He laughed again, I frowned. It wasn’t a joke. He is crazy.

‘I mean, yes, you’re still a git and a wanker, you haven’t changed much, but it’s what I like. Everything changed, only few things remained.’

He was fucking stupid. ‘For your information, Potter, you know nothing about me. I am not the same I used to be. This just proves that whatever you’re trying accomplish, is doomed from the beginning.’ I turned around and strode up the stairs.

‘Wait! I didn’t mean it like that.’

I sighed. ‘Honestly, I don’t care. I’m tired and hungry. So please, let’s end this lovely evening.’ He grabbed my sleeve and I stopped. I glared at his hand until he got the hint and dropped it.

‘I meant,’ he started, ‘that you’re here and not everyone is anymore.’ Well, that took a turn, didn’t it? ‘And you’re still treating me the same, at least now. You were awfully quiet so far, this term. Didn’t insult me nearly as much as you used to. It was very confusing.’

I stared at him for quite some while and was hundred percent sure he was indeed insane. ‘So you like it when I insult you?’

‘I mean, it’s familiar?’

‘Okay, Potter.’ I took a step backwards. ‘I’m going and you do whatever it is you do.’

‘Next week then?’ he said as he caught up with me.

‘No.’ I turned and went down to the dungeons.

I saw him later at dinner, sitting with his fans, or friends, who knows. He looked fine, not crazy at all. But I know better. He lost his mind when he was hit with the Killing Curse, twice. I mean, who would come out of it unscathed? Apparently not Potter.


	39. NOVEMBER 25th, Wednesday

Christmas is approaching.

I realised it yesterday, sitting with Blaise in the common room. He was talking about spending the hols with his mother and her 9th husband in Italy. He already bought presents and everything. He invited me to come after Christmas day. I said I‘ll see but I already know I won‘t.

It took me by surprise, this whole Christmas talk. It’s still a month til then and I decided I am not going to worry about it yet. I know what mother’s plans are, she keeps mentioning it in her letters. I write back very short responses but agree to it. I plan to spend two days in the Manor and then I will come back to Hogwarts.

I am really dreading it. So much so that when Pansy joined the Christmas conversation, I excused myself and went to my room. I lied in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I thought about classes, about how much homework I have left, I organised my days in my head, I reviewed today’s tripping jinx and all the meals.

I went to finish my homework and forgot about everything else. And now I'm thinking about it again. Great.


	40. NOVEMBER 27th, Friday

Potter accosted me again today, this time in the corridor, right when I was sure I was about to be hexed. I do not want to admit it, but I was a little bit relieved - it was the smallest bit ever. ‘So tomorrow? What do you think?’ he asked, walking beside me.

‘Are you deaf or are you an idiot?’

‘Er, I dare to think neither?’

‘It’s unheard of that you even dare.’

‘Haha,’ he said drily.

‘You have no right to complain. You like me insulting you.’

‘I never said that.’

‘You never denied it either,’ I smirked triumphantly.

‘Whatever,’ he murmured. ‘Today? Tomorrow? But tomorrow only after my detention.’

‘How do you know you’ll have one? Maybe Merrywhite will approve of your, no doubt, abhorrent writing skills.’

Potter snorted. ‘Hardly. I don’t write in it.’

‘At all?’ The statement surprised me. Even I write in it. I’m not enjoying it, but I am doing it.

‘No,’ he shrugged.

‘Why?’ I was intrigued.

‘Because. Well?’ He said it through his teeth, somewhat annoyed. Which annoyed me in return.

‘No,’ I barked out.

‘Fine,’ he turned and walked the opposite way. I hurried away too, seeing the guy from before lurking few paces behind. I ran and avoided any damage to my body.


	41. NOVEMBER 29th, Sunday

I just came from the quidditch pitch. I went flying for a bit, borrowing Theo’s broom this time. And I decided it’s way too cold. Although that didn’t prevent me fro  playing a short game against Potter.

I was flying maybe for fifteen minutes when he appeared, shouting up at me: ‘Fancy seeing you here, Malfoy? Ready to lose?’ With those words he let the snitch go and flew up. My nostrils flared, probably. I remained silent, but participated. And I lost. I honestly didn’t care that much, I was so cold that I was happy Potter finally caught it. I immediately flew down to the ground, ready to bolt, not waiting for him. Unfortunately, he was beside me in a moment. ‘Aren’t we gonna talk at all? Again?’

‘No. Why in hell would we do that?’

‘Come on. We talk … sometimes.’

‘Then let’s change it to never.’

He laughed and followed it with something awful: ‘You are funny, Malfoy. Who would’ve thought?’ I didn’t say anything. I was very uncomfortable. Then: ‘What do you write about in your diary?’ It made me stop and Potter made few steps forward until he realised I wasn’t moving anymore. ‘I mean, of course, you don’t have to tell me. Just curious.’

‘Of course I’m not going to tell you. It’s none of your business!’ I almost screamed. Almost.

‘Okay. It was just a question.’

‘Just a question. Probably like the one why you don’t write at all, right?’ I sneered.

He paused. ‘Right,’ he said and walked ahead of me. I maintained the distance between us. We were quiet for the rest of the walk. Once in the entryway, he started talking again. ‘It was fun.’

I nodded, very much clipped and went away. Once in the room, I showered and now I’m here, spurting shit on these pages. Because everything concerning Potter is shit. He is shit. And I had to let it out just how big of a shit.


	42. DECEMBER 5th, Saturday

Funniest thing happened on Wednesday. As I was walking from the Transfiguration, the last class of the day, someone - I have no idea who - came up behind me and smashed my head into the wall. There was a lot of blood, or so I was told.

I remember the moist breath on my neck and then fingers in my hair and then waking up in the hospital wing, Pomfrey leaning over me.

Pansy was hysterical when she came to visit on Thursday. She cried and screamed and shook and cried some more. My head was still hurting, so I snapped at her to shut up, which she thankfully did. I was awake only for an hour when she came, two when Blaise and Greg barged in, followed by Daphne, and half an hour later Theo. They talked at me over one another and I was getting seriously sick of it.

‘Are you alright?’ asked Blaise when I closed my eyes.

‘Yeah. I would just appreciate if you’d leave. Your voices make my head pound.’ It was like I said nothing. They stayed and talked in hushed voice. I was happy for Pomfrey then, when she came out of her office and shooed everyone away.

She gave me some potion to drink and bandaged my head. She proceeded to tell me I was to stay here until Sunday afternoon! Super.

My friends came on Friday again, but they were getting on my nerves, for some reason, so I threw them out. They took it well, I think. I explained myself thoroughly with: ‘Kindly get out, please. I don’t want to talk, so leave me be. Same goes for the weekend.’

So here I am, Saturday evening, feeling sick after another potion. I can’t complain too much though. According to Pomfrey, I am lucky to be alive. I think she is just being dramatic.


	43. DECEMBER 6th, Sunday

Just as I finished writing yesterday, McGonagall stopped by, with a stern expression on her face.

This is a rough transcript of what was said:

Minerva: ‘Good evening, Mr. Malfoy. How are you feeling?’

‘Good, thank you. And how are you?’

Minerva: ‘Mr. Malfoy, I believe you realise that it cannot go on like this.’

‘Er… what do you mean?’

Minerva: (sigh) ‘Tell me what you remember of the attack. And please, don’t play dumb like last time.’

‘I don’t remember anything.’

Minerva: (death glare)

‘Really! I was walking and I felt someone’s hand on my head and that’s it. Then I only remember waking up here.’

Minerva: (narrows eyes) ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, I really don’t remember anything else.’

Minerva: ‘Would you tell me if you would?’

‘Of course.’

Minerva: ‘Of course. I cannot tolerate such things. And I cannot ignore that you are adamant on denying that you’re bullied. So I have to inform you – if you won’t report to me about possible future encounters such as this or even a jinx thrown on your person, you will be assigned to individual studies. Meaning, you will return home and only come to Hogwarts to take your N.E.W.T.s.’

(me – stare) ‘You can’t be serious.’

Minerva: ‘I am very serious. We had enough horrid things happening here. Your health, if not even life, is in danger. So think about it. Or aforementioned measures will be taken. Have a good night.’

I sure as hell am not coming home for more than two days. And I sure as hell am not going to report anything. I have to think of something.


	44. DECEMBER 7th, Monday

I was putting on clothes yesterday, ready to leave the infirmary, going straight to dinner. When the most insufferable person appeared. It’s just… how messed up in the head is he? Unbelievable!!

‘Hi.’ He stood beside the bed next to mine, just as I was slipping into my robes. I didn’t reply, I stared at him blankly. ‘How are you?’

‘What is this?’ I asked. ‘Did you come to escort me?’

‘Yeah, something like that.

I just murmured to myself and went outside. He was right beside me. ‘Tell me, Potter. How is it possible that you are utter shit in taking not so subtle hints?’

He snorted. Very annoying, coming from him. ‘Oh I took your not at all subtle hints, don’t worry. I just decided to ignore them.’

‘And why is that?’ My lips barely moved, that’s how irritated I was.

‘You know what happened right? I told you to say something to McGonagall.’

‘It’s not an answer to my question.’

‘I was right,’ he shrugged, ‘and I’m not going to do what you want me to. I hate bullying, that’s why.’

‘You do know that I am the bully as well?’ He was completely blind to the world around himself. The war screwed him.

‘You used to be.’

‘No, I am. To those people I am still one. If you’d open your eyes once in a while, you’d get it.’

‘So now you tell me, have you ever smashed some kid so hard they almost bled out right in the school corridor?’

‘I might have. What do you know? You weren’t here last year. I was torturing students with Crucio everywhere I went.’ I said this with as much venom as possible, to get to his incredibly thick skull.

‘Were you?’ He didn’t believe me, judging by his voice. But fuck him.

‘Yes. And I loved every minute of it. You wouldn’t believe sounds coming out of some people.’ I didn’t do these things, I always managed to find some excuse for the Carrows. But I didn’t help anyone either. I was minding my own business most of the time. But Potter definitely didn’t need to know this.

He was quiet. We came in front of the entrance of the Great Hall when he said: ‘You know that Hermione found you, right?’

That caught me off guard. I didn’t know. ‘No.’

‘Hm, yes. It was her.’ He stood there, staring at me and I, ignoring him completely, went to my table. I barely tasted anything. Must’ve been the potions.


	45. DECEMBER 8th, Tuesday

Yesterday at dinner, McGonagall delivered the following speech.

‘It was brought to my attention that acts of violence and hatred are occurring in this school. It saddens me, that after everything we’ve been through, some of you weren’t able to forgive or learn from the past. I will not tolerate those things. I understand it is painful going forward sometimes. We are looking for ways to cope and continue on with our lives, but believe me, violence is never the answer to feel better. I cannot stretch enough the importance of trying to understand each other, being accepting and treat other people with kindness and respect. Not always may these things be possible to be done immediately, but we have to at least try. I refuse for hatred to take root again in Hogwarts. For these reasons, everyone I see or hear about to take part in bullying another student, will be immediately expelled from Hogwarts. Students who won’t report bullying being witnessed, will serve detention for the rest of the year. Now, let’s finish dinner and have a good rest of the evening.’

People were gasping. Well, it was certainly impressive. And definitely not coming back to bite me in the arse.


	46. DECEMBER 10th, Thursday

I approached Granger today, before History of Magic . Because I was not going to feel like I owe her anything. Although, I probably still do.

So I thanked her for finding me and not letting me lie there.

‘Yes, you’re welcome,’ she spared me a glance and looked back in her book.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Not that I thought there would be some inquiry about my state, but a complete indifference? I guess it’s better this way, less talking with her for me.


	47. DECEMBER 12th, Saturday

Pansy was destroying every last nerve in my brain. For two days straight!

She kept babbling about a Christmas party. Because, apparently, it’s Slytherin’s turn to do one. Why? I have absolutely no idea. And she was trying to pull me into this whole circus – organising.

I said ‘no, thank you’ and she was not happy. She said she understood I am still not completely well, but that she would only give me some easy instruction to accomplish some tasks. I said ‘no’ and she asked ‘why’ and I said ‘I don’t care’ and ‘stop bothering me, I am not doing it, I told you before, I didn’t want to go to the previous one, or the one before, so kindly fuck off or I’m going to lose it!’ - I mean, that’s when I lost it. She really, really glared at me. She was pissed off, but after my outburst, she stopped talking altogether to me.

Honestly, it’s kind of a relief. Everyone annoys me the last few days. I usually spend all my free time in the bedroom or common room. And no, Blaise, it’s not because I am scared to go outside. And also no, Greg, I don’t want you to escort me to places. They keep fussing around me. At one point, I shoved Theo away, because he was standing to close to me. He didn’t seem happy about it. Plus there’s Potter, who apparently thinks he can blend with walls - he cannot, I see him lurking everywhere I move.


	48. DECEMBER 15th, Tuesday

Okay. So Potter has become my second shadow. When I’m alone, he walks with me from class to class, even if he doesn’t attend them. He tries to pretend he’s minding his own business, walking several meters behind me (he thinks he’s subtle, but really, he’s as obvious as snow in summer). But I know exactly what he’s doing. I am his latest pity project. It started last Monday and it keeps on going and it’s excruciating - seeing his stupid face all the fucking time !!!!!!!! (I’d prefer if he’d be invisible or something.)

But to be completely honest, I’m not that arsed about it. Or not as much as I should be. At least like this (let’s hope) no one will be attacking me. I’m having a hard time coming up with a solution to the McGonagall problem. With him, I guess, I don’t have to worry about it. And anyway, beside classes and meals, I don’t go anywhere. And even then I am surrounded by people (Blaise, Greg, Theo, occasionally Daphne, even Pansy, although she’s not on speaking terms with me right now).

They still make such a big deal about it. I am not telling them I kind of appreciate it. They would be even more insufferable.


	49. DECEMBER 16th, Wednesday

I went to the library tonight, I needed a change of environment. And of course, Potter came literally ten seconds later, sat at my table and pulled out a book – Quidditch Through the Ages (roll eyes). I have no clue how he does it. He’s everywhere. I didn’t even bother to send a death glare his way. After a brief glance, I tried to continue with my reading but he was bouncing his leg up and down! ‘Will you ever stop?’ I blurted out in a whisper when I could not stand it anymore.

‘What?’

‘Stop moving your leg, it annoys me. Or better still, find your own table.’

‘But I like this one. Okay, I’ll stop.’

He did. After two minutes, he started anew. I slammed my book closed. Merlin, people just kept annoying me left and right. As soon as I stood up, he was on his feet as well. I sighed, picked up my things and left. With Potter right there behind me. I could almost feel his breath on my neck. Outside the door, I turned around to face him. ‘Let’s make a deal Potter. I am tired of this. If someone hexes me, I’ll report it, okay?’

‘That’s good to hear, even though it’s a lie.’

‘I am not lying.’

‘Please, Malfoy. I can tell. Your eye twitches.’

‘My eye doesn’t twitch!’

‘It does. But whatever. Let’s go. Are you going to the Great Hall? I could eat something.’

‘By all means, go. I am going to my room, where you’re not allowed, so I will be finally rid of you.’

He smiled a very disturbing smile. He walked me to the entrance of the common room and stood there with his arms crossed over his chest. I felt like an idiot when I leaned really close to the stone wall and whispered the password so he wouldn’t hear. The door opened and I looked behind me. He hasn’t moved. I stepped inside and didn’t care anymore. (I still don’t care, as a matter of fact.)


	50. DECEMBER 17th, Thursday

My diary entries still seem good enough. Thank Merlin! I don’t know what I’m doing, but if it’s getting me out of detention, then I’m fine with whatever.

Pansy is talking to me again. She invited me to the party, held on Sunday in the Slytherin common room. Like I need an invite to hang in my own common room. But I thanked her, nevertheless. I didn’t promise to come though. She then started chatting about what she planned. Truth to be told, I zoned out at about second minute and only hummed when I thought was appropriate. My eyes strayed to Potter, sitting at the Gryffindor table, eating dinner.

This week was full of interactions with him. I spent a lot of time near him, unwillingly, of course. Or willingly? No. I don’t know anymore. He kept appearing out of nowhere, talking about… stuff. Whatever came to his mind, it seemed. And I mean whatever: weather, quidditch, ice cream, food in general, Hogwarts, potions, Weasley and Granger, etc.

So I stared at the back of his head, trying to mentally untangle the thing he probably called hair. I wondered if it was coarse or soft, what it smelled like. (I imagined strawberry, for whatever reason. Or dirt or something.) I was so deep in my scrutiny of his head that when he turned the mentioned head, I failed to manage to avert my eyes. So then I was looking at his profile for a while and suddenly his face when he turned it all the way. And I was just sitting there, staring.

Merlin knows for how long. Until Pansy not so gently nudged me in the ribs, complaining I wasn’t listening to her. ‘Why are you so red?’ she asked and looked around. ‘Who were you looking at?’

‘I’m hot, from the soup.’ I wished it to be true. She didn’t probe, too invested in her party explanation. I kept looking in my plate for the rest of the time, eating.

Stupid Potter and his stupid head!!!!


	51. DECEMBER 18th, Friday

HE FUCKED UP MY HEAD!!!!! ALL THAT STALKING OF HIS!!!

I dreamt about him! Sweet Salazar Slytherin and all hell!!!!!

It wasn’t even a nightmare! It was mostly his hair under my fingers as he was... I can’t even write it! I’m ashamed of myself. I’m even more ashamed about the morning. It’s been so long since I got hard that it shocked me so much I was only able to stare at it. I refused to wank!! So I lied there, willing it to go down. It did, after some very long, agonizing minutes.

HOW I HATE HIM!!!!! 


	52. DECEMBER 19th, Saturday

It didn’t happen this night. No dreams. I woke up hard, yes, but no thanks to Potter, I hope. He went to the library with me yesterday, reading a Quidditch magazine. I couldn’t focus on my runes properly, he was too much, especially after the dream and my dealing with self-loathing.

And of-fucking-course, he appeared in my vicinity today as well. He said the detention was fun – Hagrid’s beard got set on fire when a Blast-Ended Skrewt suddenly attacked him. (Really fun, indeed.) He was carrying cake and offered me a piece (Hagrid’s baking), saying it was the best he’s ever made. I wanted to refuse or smash it right on his stupid face, but it was chocolate and I love chocolate and it would be a waste. So I took it with a glare and ate it in my room (it was good).

 

 

This Potter thing just hit me out of nowhere. One day I hated him with passion and the next I want to (subconsciously) do... things with him?? (I can’t write or say those things in context with Potter!) I mean, it’s his fault, all the stalking and talking and that fucking horrid hair of his (I will spell it bald one day, I swear!) and his presence – all of it is only his fault!!

I really hope this weird... whatever it is, will be gone just as quickly as it came. I can't stand myself in this state!


	53. DECEMBER 27th, Sunday

Christmas was lovely. Mother looks wretched. Manor looks better, I guess - feels better, not as oppressive as it used to be, at least. But I still hated it. The dining room, my room, gallery – remembering the things that happened there, things he did.

I came on 23rd and was almost immediately dragged to see father - Azkaban is just soo Christmassy and cold this time of year. (I was disappointed there was no tree.) I barely spoke to him. Most of the time I just shivered, with dread or cold, not important.

On Christmas eve, I only saw mother in the morning and then in the evening. I stayed in my bedroom, practising some spells, trying to change the room a bit.

She looked better on Christmas day, probably cried everything out. It was kind of nice, if one forgot all else. The food was delicious, thank Merlin we were allowed to keep some of our elves. The presents were nice as well. I was given new gloves, a scarf and a hat, all ready for winter. Mother also gave me a silver ring, simple, with my constellation on the inside. I really like it. She seemed pleased with her new robes and the perfume I ordered. We then sat on the sofa in front of the fire, hot chocolate in my hands and glass of wine in hers. We talked and even laughed, sitting close. It wasn’t the worst.

I spent four days with her, more than I planned before, but I don’t regret it. It was much better than I anticipated. She was much better, considering. I was kind of dreading going back to Hogwarts. I came yesterday evening and didn’t leave the dungeons at all today.

I am determined to starve to death.


	54. DECEMBER 28th, Monday

* * *

I can’t keep it in any longer! I tried, for more than a week, but I am just not physically able to anymore!! And this is compulsive really, the need to write it down. It’s all Merrywhite’s fault, she turned me into this!! I guess it’s better than to tell someone though. So… I can’t do this… If I could, I would curse myself for this. Fuck’s sake!!!!!

The party before Christmas. I came down, just to see what was going on. I didn’t want to participate. But Pansy saw me, squeaked and pulled me into the room and pushed a bottle in my palm. I went and sat down on the empty sofa under the window. I was so focused on what was happening – dancing, drinking, laughing of students, the horrible games going on – that I got startled by someone sitting next to me. And what do you know, Potter. I cursed, because he just appeared there out of nowhere, like always.

‘Having fun?’ he asked. I said ‘no‘ and was way too aware of him. ‘Then why are you here?’

‘This is my common room and I can be here whether you like it or not,’ I glared at him.

He sighed. ‘God, I didn’t mean it like that, Malfoy. I was just teasing.’

‘Sure.’ I made to stand up and go away from him as far as possible. But he caught my sleeve and pulled down.

‘Oh, come on! We’re almost friends, we can manage sitting next to each other, not talking, right?’ Looking back, I should have just wrenched my hand away and gone to sleep right then. But I, the idiot that I am, stayed.

‘We’re hardly friends. You’re my stalker.’

‘Hm. Not sure about that,’ he shrugged, ‘but we’re friendlier than before.’ I didn’t say anything to it. ‘So, where’s your girlfriend?’ He looked around all theatrical.

‘You know what, fuck off,’ I slammed the bottle on the table, standing up again. This time, he put his hand on my knee, halting my movements and I wanted to hex him!

‘Okay! No joking, got it.’ He quickly removed his hand then and sat back into the cushions. ‘I wanted …’ it was going to be something foul, for sure, but Theo interrupted him, when he threw himself beside Potter, followed by Greg. The sofa was not made for four people. I was squished against an armrest and Potter. And it was making me think about things I definitely shouldn’t have been thinking about. Then or ever.

‘Our Saviour!’ Theo yelled, obviously sloshed. ‘Thank you for gracing us with your presence!’

Potter laughed at this. ‘You’re welcome. I wish everyone appreciated my being here as you.’ He looked at me. I rolled my eyes.

Surprisingly enough, there was an easy flowing conversation. I even joined on occasion, when I wasn’t preoccupied with Potter’s arm plastered against mine. And then it was all going way too quickly. We talked, laughed (!!!!!), even insulted each other and it was in good humour?! I still can’t grasp it. And then Blaise shouted from across the room: ‘Let’s go to the lake and have a snow ball fight!’

Someone: ‘No! Let’s have a swim!’

Someone else: ‘The lake is frozen you dumb arse!’

Pansy: ‘Are you a wizard or not?’

Blaise: ‘Yes! Come on everyone, we are gonna take a bath in the lake!’ And then he screamed like some wild animal.

Theo and Greg hurried through the door, Pansy came over – because of course – threw a brief glance towards Potter and asked if I was coming.  I said ‘no Pansy, I have no desire to get a detention’ and then she argued, but less than usual. (I think it was Potter’s presence and the fact she was still quite scared of him, even if she denied it.) So she left and it was me and him. I really should’ve left then, I know now. Why, oh why did I stay?

All the younger Slytherins were already in their rooms and the eighth and some seventh years went to the lake. I saw a couple of fifth years playing chess on the opposite side of the room, yawning. Someone else was splayed over a chair in an uncomfortable position, sleeping and snoring.

Potter spread his arms wide on the back of the sofa. I felt one behind me. ‘Do you think they will get caught?’ he asked.

‘Definitely,’ I smirked.

And then it started happening (honestly, I was only evading the inevitable. This right here is why I opened this IDIOTIC diary, all these words above are just my reluctance to not let it out, but that’s exactly what I have to do to be rid of the thoughts plaguing me day and night).

First, it was his fingers, almost unrecognizable touch on my shoulder. (I didn’t move a muscle, completely paralyzed, staring in front of me.) Then it was hand fully resting on my shoulder for quite some while. Then it moved to my neck, his thumb resting against my skin. Then his fingers slowly slipped behind the collar of my shirt, to my collar bone, hot like fire (Merlin, I can’t believe I just wrote this bullshit). It was at this point I was sure he was drunk beyond measure. My head snapped towards him. He was already looking at me, eyes clear behind his ugly glasses. Then his fingers moved a little down, barely resting there against my (loudly and fast, embarassingly enough) beating heart, moving up my neck and to my hair.

He started leaning forward, very slowly, still looking me in the eyes, until his nose almost touched mine. Almost. Do I regret what I did next? Yes, a lot! I moved closer and shut my eyes. And in that second, he kissed me. It (Salazar and Merlin) was slow and warm and short - he pulled away and my eyes snapped open. I licked my lips (it was dry, the only reason why!!) and then he was there again. Did I reciprocate the kiss? Unfortunately, yes. He moved even closer, his hand found its way to my waist, where it moved in all directions. In my fogged brain, I thought it would be a good idea to touch him too, so I did. My hand went to the back of his neck, the soft hair there (now I know for sure it’s soft, I wish it was brittle) and my fingers decided, of their own volition, to tangle in there.

Potter is a good kisser (damn the git). I can’t - and don't want to - even describe how it felt. It was … slick (well). Hot (kill me now). He started to push me back into the back of the sofa. My other hand shot immediately to his back and a bit lower, pushing his jumper up and finding the skin. And then there was a bang. I startled, pushed him off me and jumped up. I looked around and saw the guy from the chair lying on the ground with the chair on top of him. No one was playing chess anymore.

I looked down at Potter. He was staring up at me. He started to slowly open his mouth and I ran to my room. I looked in the mirror. I was flushed, looking like I had a fever. My lips were red and glistening, my eyes wide. I tried to calm down. I was repeating to myself that it didn’t happen, it wasn’t Potter, it was just a nightmare of epic proportions.  

I changed my clothes and for the longest time tried to fall asleep. In the morning I was sneaking to eat breakfast with Blaise in front of me (they got detention, for the whole first week of January as Blaise informed me with a smile, although not all, some managed to hide from Sprout who found them) and saw the back of Potter’s head, leaving for Christmas with Weasleys and Granger. And I haven’t seen him since. If I have some luck left, then I won’t see him before the term starts. Or he won’t remember anything. Or someone will kill me before I will have to see him ever again.

This is awful!! Six fucking pages? Never again am I going to spend so much ink on Potter! And why do I remember this in so much detail?! I had to get it out though. I feel better. So much better.

I’ll ask someone to obliviate me.


	55. DECEMBER 29th, Tuesday

I am so disappointed in myself! It’s enough that I keep having these awful dreams about Potter, I really don’t need his horrid face popping up in my head during my waking hours, when he’s not even anywhere near. What’s enough is enough!! He must’ve done something to me. But why? Merlin, maybe he really did lose his mind. I think I’m losing mine, otherwise none of this would be happening to me right now.


	56. DECEMBER 30th, Wednesday

I didn’t come out of the room yesterday, except when I went to dinner. I took a look inside of the Great Hall. Only professors and few students. No Potter, so I was save and finally eating. From Slytherin, it’s only me and two fourth years back in Hogwarts. So I have the bedroom all to myself until Blaise, Greg and Theo come back.

I was much more at ease about going out today. There were no suspicious individuals who seemed they would like to hex me, so I made my way to the library before lunch. It was just me and Pince. Until it wasn’t.

I was sitting there, near the window, looking outside, with my book laying open in front of me. A chair scraped the floor and I turned to look. I made my face remain blank and not to show the dread I was actually experiencing.

‘Hi,’ Potter said and sat opposite me. No books or anything in sight.

I decided to play it cool, like any other time he followed me here, like nothing happened. ‘Potter.’ I started reading the book, not understanding how letters worked.

‘How was your Christmas?’ he asked, elbows resting on the table. I didn’t look up at him when I said it was fine. He continued: ‘Mine was good too, thanks for asking.’ He was very cheerful. I nodded. ‘What are you reading?’

‘Something you wouldn’t understand,’ I said and Potter snorted. I chanced a look at him, which was a mistake, because he was already looking at me. I read the first word again. I thought he forgot about the thing, I really did. He was acting like he always was. Like we weren’t exchanging fluids more than a week ago. So I relaxed a bit. I managed to read about thirty pages, he spoke occasionally but other than that was quiet and still. I could’ve almost pretended he wasn’t there. When I stood up, he did too. ‘I don’t know if you realise, Potter, but there’s hardly anyone in the castle who could hex me. So your company is quite unnecessary.’

‘Is it?’ he tilted his head to the side, smiling. He knew. He didn’t forget. I walked forcefully out of the library. Was he going to mention it? Was he going to threaten me? I didn’t worry for long. When we were outside, he stepped in front of me and asked: ‘Are we going to talk about it?’ I asked him what he meant (because I sure as hell was not going to say it out loud) and he said: ‘The party.’ I asked ‘what about the party, you should go to Pansy, she organised it,’ he frowned. ‘You know what I’m talking about. The kiss.’ I stayed silent and looked at him defiantly (or I hope I did).

He kept staring at me and I did my best to keep quiet, looking at the wall. Alas: ‘For fuck’s sake! I don’t want to talk about it,’ I gritted through my teeth.

‘Yeah. Me neither.’ And he started leaning in (and I didn’t run like I should’ve). He kissed me in the middle of the hallway. I willed myself to stay put, but no. My hands ended up on his hips. It’s horrible, but we (I might have contributed to the atrociousness) kissed for so long that by the time we got to the Great Hall, the lunch was already over. He suggested the kitchens, I refused, saying I needed to get something done and I fled the second I said it.

I won’t leave the dormitory until some of my friends return. I can’t afford for this to happen ever again. I hate this so very much.


	57. DECEMBER 31st, Thursday

I was eating breakfast this morning, determinedly looking into my plate. When I was walking away from the table, I already saw Potter walking out too, so I sped up. Immediately out the door, he took my wrist and pulled me along around the corner. There, he just looked at me and asked: ‘How was breakfast?’ And it was so weird. I answered it was good and he said ‘good’ and then continued staring.

I remembered the dream I had that night and I knew what was about to happen if I wasn’t careful – I was about to kiss him! I freed my hand from his grasp. ‘This can’t go on, Potter,’ I managed and was horrified when I sounded out of breath, for unexplicable reasons.

‘What?’

‘Whatever this is!’ I waved my arms between us.

‘You don’t ... like it?’ He made a step back.

‘That’s beside the point!’

‘Okay? So you do like it?’ I didn’t answer, I just stood there and glared at him (because yes, I do and that’s pathetic and awful). And then at his eyes and then at his lips and all of a sudden I was kissing him!? What’s wrong with me???

When his hands came up to my waist, I came back to my senses and retained back my sanity. ‘I gotta go!’ I nearly screamed and pushed him off.

‘What are you doing tonight?’ he blurted, when I was already walking away. ‘It’s New Year’s Eve, right? If you’re not doing anything, we could just spend it together, going to Hogsmeade or something.’ He went so red I thought he would faint.

And it was so unexpected and nice (argh!!) that I paused and reacted appropriately. ‘Potter, we kissed like twice, we’re not dating. And I don’t celebrate this damn day. So, have fun with someone else.’ After that I went to the dorms, with a plan of not ever leaving it.

But I was hungry when the evening came. He was there, in the Great Hall, eating. He didn’t look up. He was finished way before I was. I went after him (no idea why) and saw him with Weasley, Granger, Longbottom and all others who apparently just came. They were really loud. I went back and finished my dinner. 

I am behaving like a right lunatic. 


	58. JANUARY 1st, Friday

New Year, new me, as they say. Or they don’t? Whatever. I went to the library today. No sign of Potter. Lunch and dinner - no sign of him, although I saw Granger and Longbottom at the table. Hopefully, it means the first day of a great year.


	59. JANUARY 2nd, Saturday

I went to see Pomfrey today. I wanted her to examine me for any spells, charms, hexes, jinxes, curses, potions, anything that could explain the dreams and my lunacy. I just told her i wasn’t feeling well and ‘please if you can be thorough, madam Pomfrey, and look for anything suspicious’. She pouted but went ahead with an examination.

‘There’s nothing, Mr. Malfoy. You are completely healthy.’

‘What? Are you sure?’

‘I’ve been doing this for quite some time, I think I know what I am doing,’ she said, affronted.

‘So, no Imperio or other curses or potions?’ I didn’t want to believe it.

‘Imperio? Why? Are you experiencing unexplained gaps in your memory?’

‘No. No, nothing like that. I was just... nevermind. Thank you.’ I left before she started asking more questions. And I‘m none the wiser.


	60. JANUARY 3rd, Sunday

Pansy returned first yesterday. She barged straight into our room. She sat on the bed opposite me and told me about her Christmas and New Year, moaned that I should seriously consider celebrating it, asked me about my holidays, awed at the ring. I didn’t mention the thing, of course. She apparently didn’t know, so it means no one saw us, because she is the biggest gossip I know. She brought me some sweets from France and we were eating them when all others came. Blaise, immediately after greeting, snatched one chocolate bar and Greg took four éclairs with ‘what, I’m hungry’. Thankfully, Theo wasn’t the sweets kind of person. It was finished quickly, I and Pansy were lying in bed, exhausted from the sugar and blissed too. The others were unpacking while telling about their holidays. It seemed like everyone had a good time. And I had a good time talking to them. They didn’t irritate me like before. Maybe I just needed time and distance.

I saw Potter with his group during dinner. He looked my way when he was leaving and quickly away.

Tomorrow, the classes start. I cannot wait.


	61. JANUARY 4th, Monday

Potter (I don’t know why I was expecting anything else) walked with me from class to class (if I was walking alone). After my last lesson, Arithmancy, he was waiting in the corridor. I rolled my eyes at him when he threw glances at me the whole way. ‘What is it, Potter?’ I asked eventually. He answered ‘nothing’ but looked around with ‘maybe we should talk’. ‘I think we should not,’ I said.

‘I think we need to.’

‘Oh do we, really?’ I didn’t want to talk with him about anything. It was enough he was pushing his way into my personal space in every way imaginable.

‘Yes, so I know what…’ he walked towards some door where he motioned for me to come over. I did walk, but the other direction. He was with me right away, pulling me with him with ‘god, Malfoy, you’re such a pain’. I started to snatch my hand away, but he was fucking persistent and managed to drag me inside some empty classroom, where he finally dropped it. He stood with his back against the door. ‘Okay. Look, Malfoy. This thing we started…’

‘This thing you started,’ I interrupted him, because how dare he to insinuate that I had anything to do with it?

‘I started… I mean, I feel like… do you, I mean, fuck…’

‘Merlin, we’ll be here ages,’ I sighed and leaned against a desk. He glared my away. ‘Get on with it.’

‘Okay. Do you want it to go on or… was it just, you know, one-two time thing?’ I kept staring at him, quiet. He was actually spurting out that bullshit! ‘Because, it seems to me that you do like it? But... don’t want to do it anymore? I mean, it’s fine if you don’t, but I need to hear it, because you… it’s messing with my head. Fuck, this is so awkward,’ he murmured the last bit almost inaudibly. ‘So?’

What a jerk!! Merlin, he pissed me off. ‘Am I messing with your head? That’s truly hilarious. Tell me, Potter, why did you kiss me? Are you under a spell? Is it some kind of saving mission? Do you pity me so much you’re willing to slip your tongue in my mouth? I’m curious.’

‘What the hell? Neither of what you just said.’ He looked angry. ‘I like you.’

I snorted at that. ‘Please! You don’t! We’re enemies. You hate me and you’re just confused because of your saviour complex!’

‘Wow Malfoy. Sure, you’re still a git but we’re hardly rivals at this point. And I’m not fucking confused. Are you confused? Is that it?’

‘Pf!’ Or similar sound came out of my mouth, he moved too close for comfort. And all of sudden I wasn’t angry anymore but rather the other thing that keeps happening recently when I’m around him. ‘The only thing I’m confused about is your sudden interest, that’s all.’

He stepped even closer. ‘Who says it’s sudden?’ My breath caught (due to lung inflammation, I'm sure), he was leaning forward. ‘No?’ Then he whispered in my ear: ‘Yes?’

And I don’t know what kind of magic he used on me, because it wasn’t my free will when a ‘yes’ came out and I closed the distance. It sure as hell wasn’t my will to put my hands on his back and under his shirt!! It wasn’t really me who slipped my tongue into his mouth!!! It went on for some time, until his stomach growled. We went to dinner (that sounds wrong - I sat at my table and he sat at his own) and then I left the Hall without a look back.

My common sense has gone.


	62. JANUARY 5th, Tuesday

The day went as follows: went to breakfast; had some classes; went to lunch; had more classes; Potter’s escort; went to dinner; went to the library, Potter came too, sat beside me, his thigh touching mine, stayed in library for ten minutes; departed the library; made out with Potter in an alcove; made out with him in an empty corridor; argued with him on the staircase; made out again behind an armour near the common room; then some more; went inside the common room; asked by concerned Daphne if I had a fever; was shot suspicious look by Blaise; went to bed; now writing this utter tripe.

 

 

Why am I doing this??!!! I.........have no words.


	63. JANUARY 6th, Wednesday

I tripped today, while walking with Potter and looking at his ugly face! He laughed, because it was so hilarious – not! And then he expected snogging? Well, yeah, regrettably that still happened. I shoved him a little when he started to suck on my neck with ‘no, don’t, I hate the marks’. He said ‘okay, no hickeys’ and laved his tongue over the place. I wanted the ground to swallow me up at that point.

I try not to think about this state of affairs too much. And then I think about it too much. My stupidity truly knows no limits!!

When I came to my room, Blaise was lounging on his bed. ‘Who are you meeting up with?’ he asked immediately. I asked who he is meeting with - he pursed his lips and changed a topic. So I am no closer to solve this mystery.


	64. JANUARY 7th, Thursday

I need to get a grip! I fell down again today and this time I somehow hit my chin on the stone. I was walking to breakfast with Greg and Blaise and was suddenly sprawled on the floor. I thought my teeth would fall out from my mouth if I opened it. I cast a healing charm, but it only closed the cut.  A faint bruise formed while I was eating and during Runes it turned to slight purple. It didn’t hurt too much, yet. Potter’s presence wasn’t necessary, I was still with someone, but he materialized in the library. ‘What happened?’ he asked when he sat beside me.

‘I fell,’ I looked in the window, clear picture of the red and purple bruise with a scab on top.

‘Again?’

‘Yes, fucking again! Shut up if you’re going to make fun.’ Pince shushed me from the other side of the room.

‘I wasn’t making fun.’ He put his hand on the back of my neck and stroked, like a fool he is.

‘Are you dumb?! There’s people,’ I leaned away and his hand dropped down.

‘Barely. And no one’s looking,’ he looked around. He put his hand on my thigh. ‘How long do you want to stay here?’

‘Long.’

‘Okay.’ He kept looking at my chin, nothing better to do, apparently. He also kept stroking my knee, sometimes a bit higher, and it was hard to concentrate. But I am proud to say I endured this ordeal for twenty minutes. ‘Did you try to heal it?’ he asked once out of the library and tilted my head back. ‘Do you want me to heal it?’

‘Yes and no.’ He skimmed a thumb over it and I swatted it away with ‘ow’ - it was quite painful at that point.

‘Sorry. But why didn’t it go away? Maybe you should see madam Pomfrey.’

‘It doesn’t matter. And I’m not going there. Are we going to … or what? Cause I have other stuff to do.’

‘Well, in that case, we should really start.’ He smiled and kissed me and now I am shamelessly replaying it in my head (I... fuck, whatever, I am tired). Blaise is watching me from his bed but others mind their business, just like he should. I think it’s time to stop, unless I want to become an epitome of pathetic.


	65. JANUARY 8th, Friday

Good news about this day is that the homework Merrywhite assigned – three pages during the holidays, which I unfortunately exceeded – was accomplished. She was ecstatic. ‘Mr. Malfoy, you are really exceeding my expectations. From how you started to this – wonderful! Just wonderful. Keep up the good work.’ She sounded like I invented some new unimaginable use of ink. I only murmured ‘great’ and cursed internally.

No make out session today (for the better, I don’t enjoy it that much and my lips are dry anyway). I met him when he waited after Muggle studies, telling me he’s going out to Hogsmeade with his friends. ‘Why did you have the need to tell me?’ I asked. He said so I didn’t wait for him in the library. ‘I never wait for you, you’re just always there.’ He laughed and looked around the corridor full of students and then at me. He said his goodbyes and left.

Some minutes later I tripped (again), fell down the last stair to the dungeons and hit my hip bone. I think someone’s spelling some invisible obstacles under my feet or something. I am not this useless.


	66. JANUARY 11th, Monday

I didn’t leave my room or the common room for the whole weekend. So because Potter was distracting me during the week, I had to finish all the homework piling up. Pansy had similar problem, so we studied together. She asked what happened that I left it for the last minute. I said I was still getting into it after the hols – what a lame excuse. She was still suspicious, said it was weird of me, if something happened. To shut her up, I told her the war happened. Then she was scribbling in silence.

Greg brought me food when I asked him. Way too much, but he ate the rest. Blaise always left near the evenings. He still wouldn’t tell me. Not that I asked again.

My lovely bruise is still purple, doesn’t hurt as much, scab still in place. It looks horrid. And a new one on my hip is even lovelier. At least that one isn’t visible.

I also realised the reason I go to the library so often, is to see Potter. (Urgh! My joints are twisting from my insanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Like, how pathetic is that? So I didn’t go today, only saw him in classes. No making out.

Second thing I realised - he looks good. Like, really good and it PAINS ME! I probably put it aside before, because now I feel even worse when I look at him – like I want to vomit. Is it possible he got even taller last year? It seems like he’s taller than me sometimes and I swear we used to be the same height. He feels good too (cringe). When I touch him, his skin, his hair, his... well, this is just abominable.


	67. JANUARY 14th, Thursday

Yesterday, after breakfast, I had to run back to my room, because I thought I left my book there. As I was hurrying down, I saw it flying mid-air. It was suspicious, but I still reached my hand and took it. And then Potter stood there, right in front of me. Or part of him, his arms and sides and part of the legs were missing. Then I realised, the fucker had an invisibility cloak.

‘What the fuck is this?’

‘What?’ He took it off. ‘It might have jumped out of your bag,’  he pointed to the book. ‘I wanted to see you.’ 

I ignored it, because it was nice thing to hear and I’d rather not. ‘So this is how you’ve been sneaking around all this time.’

He nodded and grinned. And then I was being pushed into the wall. I mean, it was five days, so I didn’t complain. I was way too tense. Then there were steps coming from behind the corner. He heard it too and threw the cloak over both of us. We were standing there, silently. It was Greg who came to view. I watched him walk all the way to the common room, opening the entrance and then shouting my name. He then went inside and the wall closed behind him.

It was warm under the fabric (and I could smell that soap of his all around me), there was barely any space between us. I felt his chest move against mine as he breathed. Greg came out, looking worried. (I really like Greg.) He was gone and Potter leaned in and continued where we were interrupted. I like how enthusiastic he always is (yes, whatever). After couple of minutes, my nether regions were starting to stand to attention and that was where I drew a line. ‘I gotta go.’ I escaped the stifling heat and walked very quickly away, hoping that nothing was showing.

So I like how he looks (and, well, smells)! No big deal. It’s actually better, given I spend so much time with him. Fuck, what a lie! It is so much worse.


	68. JANUARY 17th, Sunday

I went to Hogsmeade with Pansy and Leah today, but I dragged Greg as well. (Who knows what I would do, if I was left alone with those two. Strangle them, most probably.) They wanted to shop for new robes. It was super boring - they were choosing it for ages - so me and Greg went ahead to find a table in Three Broomsticks. There was one empty near the fireplace. A waitress came (not madam Rosmerta, thank Merlin, because even though she accepted my apology, I still feel weird around her), Greg ordered beer and I wanted hot chocolate with firewhiskey. We were waiting for our drinks, talking, when I saw - for the first time since I stepped there - Potter, walking over to us.

‘Hello Goyle, Malfoy.’ That smug little shit.

‘Hey,’ Greg inclined his head and drank his beer. I only nodded towards him.

‘Do you want to join us?’ I looked where he was pointing, I could see Weasley and Granger, Lovegood and Potter’s ex and Thomas and they were all looking over, Granger with a strange expression on her face and Weasley just looked horrified.

‘No, I think we’ll pass.’ Yesterday he asked me, whether I had time to meet today. I said no and then he also proceeded to tell me he didn’t have detention this weekend, so he’s ‘free whenever’, if I’d change my mind. I asked if he started the diary - he nodded and blushed and then we stopped talking.

‘Well, if you change your mind,’ he looked straight at me.

‘I don’t think we will,’ I said through my teeth. He grinned and went back to his group.

Just as I finished my chocolate, Pansy and Leah decided to grace us with their presence. I ordered another one. They were happy with their purchases. (Who wouldn’t, after two hours?!!) I couldn’t help myself and my eyes occasionally strayed. But just as quickly came back where they were supposed to look.

After some while, Pansy got angsty about Potter being there, so we left. I didn’t disagree or make fun - in fact, I was the first one out the door.


	69. JANUARY 19th, Tuesday

Oh well, I guess it had to end someday. I was living in blissful denial, thinking I suddenly became graceless, tripping at every corner. I was rudely yanked out of the bubble today, when one seventh year – lone wolf as they say – cast poorly aimed Confringo. Fuck, I’d be dead if he wasn’t so off. Potter – the only time I actually needed him – was nowhere in sight. No one was, and he cast again so I hurriedly sent out Protego and ran. He ran too, shouting after me. I heard voices and I knew I was safe, for the time being at least. I looked behind me, he stopped and sent me a death glare with a crazy smile.

From now on, even if I’ll be annoyed beyond measure, I’ll never walk alone anymore – and I hate being weak like this. But rather that then being blasted to pieces.


	70. JANUARY 21st, Thursday

Pansy asked me today about what is going on between me and Potter. Because, obviously, people aren’t blind and they see him walking with me, sitting with me in the library (keeping a fucking eye on me). So to feel better, I told her we’re friends now (which, really, we aren’t) and she laughed right in my face, for quite some time. My jaw was set tight, until she was able to breathe again.

‘I’m sorry,’ she wheezed, ‘but you must be joking! Oh my, this is hilarious!’

‘Why is it so unbelievable?’

‘Did you forget last seven years?’ No, I didn’t. I was so tempted to let her know what was actually happening to wipe that smile off her face. ‘So what is it? Did he curse you to follow him so he knows what you’re doing? Did you Imperius him? Tell me, it’s been bugging me for so long.’

‘I just told you. It’s your fault you don’t believe me.’

‘Come on, Draco. No one would believe this?’ She started laughing again, less vigorously.

‘Fine, we fuck! Are you happy?’ I mean we don’t, but whatever. She fell off the sofa, practically rolling on the floor, laughing so much I saw tears coming down her cheeks. I didn’t speak with her for the rest of the evening.


	71. JANUARY 25th, Monday

I tripped over again on Friday. But I avoided any bruises or cuts and therefore avoided dumb questions from all sides. Speaking of Potter, this weekend was very… eventful. He happily told me ‘no detention’ and asked, what I’m doing this weekend. I said I had to study, which I didn’t since I barely saw him this week, besides the Thursday make out near the kitchens. 

‘We could go to Hogsmeade?’ he asked anyway. I snorted ‘no’ and he asked ‘why not’. ‘You know what Pansy thinks? That you cursed me so you knew that I wasn’t up to something nefarious. Or that I Imperiused you?’

‘So? What did you tell her?’

‘I told her we’re fucking each other into oblivion.’ His eyes were wide and mouth opened. He stopped walking. ‘Don’t worry. She didn’t believe me, thought it was hilarious.’ He murmured something I didn’t catch and caught up to me.

‘So, Hogsmeade?’

‘Potter, people think exactly what Pansy does. We can’t just traipse around like best of friends, when really it’s just you being bored with life. Also, I don’t want them to know that you only want to satisfy your hero complex.’ It came out angrier than I intended.

And of course, Potter had some words. ‘I don’t care what people think.’

‘Well I do!’

‘And if you really think that I do this out of some kind of boredom or pity, you’re dumber than I thought. Or I haven’t done my best.’ He grinned when I stared at him. ‘Tomorrow, around ten, outside the entrance? Okay, cool, can’t wait.’ And he was off.

Did I meet him Saturday? Sadly, yes. We went to Hogsmeade, got drinks at the Three Broomsticks (him and his talking), then I went a bit overboard with candy at Honeydukes. It hurts me, really does, to admit I didn’t have the worst of times. (I hope he didn’t think it was a date. Okay, I didn’t think it until now!! It fucking felt like a date!)

On Sunday, I let myself be lured to the pitch, he wanted to have a game. But it was way too cold and windy for flying. I gave up after ten minutes, he lasted for couple more. Then we were just sitting in the stands, warming charms around us, his lips soft – I didn’t feel cold anymore, I felt rather sweaty (and right now I feel rather idiotic as I reread this crap). Now I think about it, it was really careless to do it up there, when anyone could’ve seen, just like snogging in the hallways – I have to stop being so dimwitted and cease this kind of behaviour at once!  

Back in the common room, after particularly heated kisses, Pansy was on me, ‘demanding answers’. ‘Emily just told me she saw you with Potter yesterday in Hogsmeade! Is that true?’

‘Who is Emily?’

‘Draco!’

‘What? I told you we were friends, or friendly.’

‘I can’t believe this.’ She gaped at me, terrified. I asked if she was all right, she shook her head. ‘Is he planning my murder?’

I rolled my eyes: ‘Yes, his nefarious plan is all set and ready to launch.’

Back in the room, it was Blaise asking stupid questions. ‘So, tell me about this thing with Potter?’ I told him there was nothing to tell, we were mending fences. Theo joined with ‘Potter’s cool, I like him’ and then Greg had the need to contribute with wonderful observation ‘he’s strange’ and then Blaise’s eyes narrowed on my face and he pouted but didn’t say anything.

Fuck, I really hope he doesn’t think it was a date or that I think it was a date! Having that conversation is definitely out of question! (Also, can’t forget: make out only in dark corners or enclosed spaces.)


	72. JANUARY 28th, Thursday

Today was the first time Potter slipped his hand down my trousers. It was, well ... I mean, it was an experience, yeah – unsure, determined… good... I returned the favour, because it was only polite. 

I have nothing else to disclose, just that I might want to see him naked at some point in my life.

FUCK!! SOMEONE HAS TO STOP THIS MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP ME!!!


	73. JANUARY 29th, Friday

I wonder... I might be wrong, but I feel like he might want to see me naked too - his hands keep coming back under my shirt, after all.

It’s not like I have complexes about my whole body. Only my torso. It is not very appealing after the stunt he pulled in the sixth year. And I know he felt it - the first time his fingers sneaked there he halted and looked at me. I said nothing and he was silent too, but after a moment he continued in previous exploration. Since then, he never paused anymore, but never opened the shirt either. I sure as hell am not going to encourage him to do so, the scars are fucking hideous and I hate them.


	74. FEBRUARY 3rd, Wednesday

The madman with the Blasting curse from the other day finally got me. I stayed behind in class on Monday, because I had my mind full of images from the weekend (heavily featuring the Git, so it's all his fault) and wasn’t focusing on my surroundings. I almost caught up to my friends when he barged from somewhere and shoved me in a bathroom (how very original) and started to cast. Crucio. I have to say I felt ones more powerful than his, but it was still something. He must really hate me. I wanted to scream, because my limbs were twisting from pain. But I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry, even though my face must’ve looked grotesque, deformed from the effort of suppressing any sounds coming out. He still immensely enjoyed himself, despite of this.

He was done – I have no idea how long it took – said something like ‘rot in hell, scum’ and went on his merry way. I broke down then. From relief it was over and pain. And as my luck had it, someone walked in. That someone was Granger. When I saw her, I cried even more, from anger this time. ‘Why you? Why is it you again?’ I wanted to yell at her but I think it was only a whisper.

She kneeled beside me and asked what happened. I said I fell down. She definitely didn’t believe me. She helped me to the hospital wing and also summoned McGonagall, and if I wanted to stay here, I had to tell her. I did, but I had no idea about his name. She asked for a description. ‘Dumb looking,’ I said and her lips disappeared in a narrow line.

When she was gone, I asked Granger – who, inexplicably was still present – to not tell Potter: ‘I hate it already as it is, I don’t want him around all the fucking time.’

She frowned. ‘I won’t if that’s what you want, but he’ll know anyway. Sooner or later.’ She left with ‘get well’ and after I woke up, there he was, sitting on the bed next to mine, looking at some parchment. I took a glass of water and his head snapped up. He threw it on the bed and came to stand beside mine.

‘What the fuck happened?’ I told him I very clumsily slipped and fell. ‘Malfoy,’ he exhaled, waiting for more, his jaw set tight. I glared at him until he finally got the hint, shook his head, turned around, took the thing from the bed and left.

He came back today and walked me to the dorms without his usual word diarrhoea. Or a kiss. I couldn’t care less.   


	75. FEBRUARY 8th, Monday

Merrywhite excused me on Friday – I didn’t write the amount – telling me she was aware of the situation. Yes, the whole school was - he was expelled (not even allowed to take the final exams at the end of the year, I can’t say I’m unhappy about it), after I had to give one more exhausting description of the event and his horridness.

On top of everything, Pansy is treating me like a child. The whole weekend she was like ‘can I bring you anything?’ and ‘are you hungry?’, ‘do you want to read this, it’s very good’, ‘look what I brought you from Honeydukes!’. It was super exhausting but I only lost it once, on Sunday, when she asked if she should help me to bed: ‘I’m not a fucking invalid Pansy!!!’ And then she looked at me with this sad, pitying expression saying ‘of course you’re not’, which just enraged me more and instead of screaming in despair I stomped off.

Others are bearable. They understand that it happened, he was punished and all was good. And it is. All is fine!!


	76. FEBRUARY 10th, Wednesday

A letter from mother came this morning. She was (of course) informed about the situation and made arrangements. She wrote she knew I hated the Manor and she bought a very small property for us. She also knew there was an option of home studies and she encouraged me to choose it, for my own good. She included a photograph of the house. It was nice.

I seriously considered this option all day long. I don’t really like it here. It’s way more complicated than it used to be. And one of the reasons, main reason in fact, I didn’t want to come back home was the Manor itself, which is not a problem anymore. I could study in peace.

But then, I would just give up wouldn’t I? Like so many times before.

I wrote her back, that I like the house and can’t wait to see it, but I will finish my studies in Hogwarts.

 

 

~~Potter keeps up his escorting appearances, maintaining his hero image. We don’t kiss anymore. I have no idea why, but it suits me just fine, I have more time for actual  life.~~


	77. FEBRUARY 12th, Friday

I just came back to my room. I’m so mad!!

Potter waited for me today after Muggle Studies. I tried to walk as far away from him as possible, but he kept closing the distance. ‘Please stop,’ he said after a while, when in my haste, I almost hit a set of armour. ‘What are you doing anyway?’

‘What do you think?’ I murmured and kept on walking. He, damn him, caught up with me and took my hand. I wrenched it away but he did it again and held it tight. ‘Are you out of your fucking mind?! Anyone could see!’ Then he stirred us in the opposite direction, straight into some appliance closet or whatever.

‘Here. No one can see now.’ He dropped my hand and leaned against the door. ‘Tell me what happened.’

‘Happened when? A lot of things happened this past week.’ I knew what he was asking. And I also knew he knew, so it was pointless to answer.

‘Tell me what happened in that bathroom.’

‘Why? You know, everyone knows. What’s the point?’

‘No. All I know is that he attacked you.’

‘You should talk to Granger then, she was there when I explained.’

He took a deep breath. ‘She doesn’t want to tell me because you told her not to.’ That made me speechless for a second. I trusted she wouldn’t keep her mouth shut in front of him. ‘And McGonagall won’t tell me either.’

‘Oh, poor Potter. Things don’t go as you wish for once, do they?’ I sneered. I just didn’t want to talk or think about it anymore. And also, his behaviour for the last few days was abominable.

He stared at me for a while. ‘Please. Tell me.’

‘Why should I tell you? It’s nothing that concerns you.’ We stood there in dark and silence, until he opened his damn mouth again.

‘Because I can’t even look at you, I keep imagining things he might’ve done, I remember things I did…’ I interrupted him right there, I told him I didn’t want to talk about it – I knew exactly what he was thinking about. But he went on, the idiot! ‘No, I need to… I’m sorry. I wanted to say it the first time I felt the scars, but I was so shocked, I thought Snape healed it, I didn’t expect… and then, I just didn’t say anything, because I was a coward, I was ashamed and didn’t want to bring it up. But now this happened and I’m thinking if there’s more of them. I’m sorry for whatever he did, but most of all I’m sorry for what I did, I hate that I scarred you for life, I hate it. I’m so sorry.’

I was so angry with him, but I wanted to get out of there, because it felt like the walls started to close on me. ‘It was Crucio. Now let me out Potter!’ He immediately opened the door and stumbled out. I breathed in a somewhat fresh air. ‘I hope you’re happy. You always have to get what you want, right? No just doesn’t exist for our Golden Boy, I guess.’ I started to walk and I heard him several steps behind me. ‘Don’t bother. I am capable of walking alone.’

‘I know you are.’ Yes Potter, of course I am, so why did you still tag along? When the door opened for me, I went inside without a look back. 

Damn it all to hell!


	78. FEBRUARY 13th, Saturday

I couldn’t sleep. It’s five in the morning and once again, it’s his fault.  So damn him for taking away my sleep!

Am I supposed to apologize to everyone now? Should I apologize to him that I hated him so much I wanted to watch him squirm in pain on that bathroom floor? I know I would enjoy it at that time, I cast the spell and just because it didn’t hit him doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it or that I didn’t do it.

Should I apologize for everything I said and did to him? To other people? Meet with everyone I ever insulted and hurt, say sorry or write letters to them? Isn’t it enough I wish I behaved differently?

Fuck him for making me think about these things, about sixth year, about everything wrong I’ve ever done, said or thought!


	79. FEBRUARY 14th, Sunday

He’s fucking relentless. He stopped me after lunch today with ‘how are you’, I said ‘splendid’ and then he proceeded to stare at my chest!!!! ‘What are you doing?’ I snapped and put my hand in front of his face.

He looked up. ‘I’m thinking th-’

‘Well don’t, it never means anything good! Fuck, I heard you, okay? Thanks and… I’m sorry too, fine?’ I hissed the last part, very lowly. ‘Now let’s drop it.’

‘But…’ I hurried away as not to hear the other bullshit that was on his mind.


	80. FEBRUARY 17th, Wednesday

After some time, one has to make sacrifices in order to remain sane (somewhat) and it was just too much – talking. About everything and anything, for three days straight! And somehow he made me participate in his small chats! I wanted him to shut up, I couldn't handle it anymore. Maybe it was the topics, or the way his lips moved, or how he sometimes licked them or bit them and they went red and glistening (Merlin, I am seriously losing the plot, who knows if I won’t end up at St. Mungo’s at the end of the term). I think it was something about owls today, in an empty corridor, when I just stepped in front of him and made him quiet (not with a fist, unfortunately - maybe that would've been more efficient, though). And he was silent and it was peaceful, and then it was way too intense. Until he pulled away and started speaking!!! ‘So, I think we should talk?’ 

‘For fuck sake! Didn’t you already talk enough?’ I really felt like crying, from utter despair about his idiocy. ‘What’s more there to talk about?’

‘A lot. Okay, for example, do you hate me?’    

‘You must be joking, Potter. Trust me, I wouldn’t even stand near you, never mind stick my tongue in your mouth if I really hated you.’ Yes, that’s the sad truth right now, I don't hate him, not really.

‘But...’ 

‘But nothing! Shut up.’

There was a noise and he was looking at the wall behind me. He murmured something and pulled me behind him as he walked towards the massive wooden door. It was nothing like I remembered – no piles of abandoned crap, no ashes, no cabinets. It was just a small room with soft looking carpet in the middle and a green sofa near the wall with a window. It was so different than what I saw the last time I was there that the memories just quickly flashed in my head and went away.

Standing there, I was looking at him and he was looking at the sofa, quickly reddening. ‘Are you all right, Potter?’ He mumbled ‘yeah’, turned and I followed him out the door. We were looking as the room disappeared and he breathed out: ‘So you don’t hate me?’

‘Merlin!! No!’ I sighed painfully, because the slowness of the prat was unbelievable. When he finally managed to shut up, we made out in some dark corner and then he walked me to the dungeons.

So, yeah, that’s it. I just wanted to write this down to remember how pitiful I am in front of him. And I have no idea how it came to an existence. 


	81. FEBRUARY 18th, Thursday

I did not expect this from Greg, but he seems to be far more perceptive than I gave him credit for.

I came to the common room (from the library – Potter was yawning all the time and almost fell asleep at the table, so he just walked with me to the dungeons and left, yawning with his mouth wide open, not even covering it with his hand! gross) and Greg was sitting in front of the chess board. I joined him and we played a game – I won but he was content he was getting better – which, yes, he was.

And then he dropped the words. ‘So are you and Harry together?’ At first I was thinking ‘ _who is Harry ?_ ’ and when it clicked I was quiet, my brain slow.

‘What do you mean together?’ I finally got out the first thing that popped out.

‘Like dating. You spend a lot of time together,’ he shrugged like it was no big deal, while I, on the other hand, was screaming with dread (inside my head).

‘We don’t spend time together! He’s stalking me and I can’t stand him. And since when do you call him… _Harry_?’ That last word was very challenging for me, I almost choked.

He frowned. ‘But, you are talking, how is that stalking?’

‘Oh Merlin, Greg! I _have to_ talk to him, he’s so annoying that I can’t keep quiet and it’s mostly insults. I don’t wish this suffering on anyone. I am going mad, you know? He is so dumb!’ I was so taken aback that I wasn’t capable of forming a sentence that would make sense.

His face scrunched up. ‘Okay, I guess I was wrong. But like, he doesn’t seem as annoying as when we bullied them, right?’

‘I wouldn’t call it bullying,’ I stopped myself there, because it might have been, ‘but I guess, no. But still annoying!’ He nodded and we went to bed.

It was horrifying. I am still horrified. 


	82. FEBRUARY 22nd, Monday

I stayed holed up in Slyherin the whole weekend. To kind of steer everyone who might be suspicious in a different direction. I told Potter as much on Friday. I mean, I told him I was going to study or some crap – not that I need to explain to him anything I do. I even managed to resist being pulled inside a classroom for who knows what activities. And really, I should get some award, because I am eighteen and aroused – and it’s all Potter’s doing, if it wasn’t for him, I could still be living in a blissful oblivion, never hard and content! Damn him to hell.

I noticed Blaise being kind of weird, sullen – only left once on Saturday, and then when he came back, he kept glaring at everyone and everything. He snapped at me when I asked to borrow a quill (Theo is useless, he borrowed all of mine and didn’t return them back, have to talk to him about this nonsense): ‘Yes, take it! Take everything and I’ll just wait here until you decide if you even give it back to me. Do whatever you please.’ He then stood up and stomped off to our room. Well, at least Pansy’s presence was bearable - she was way too preoccupied with spelling her hair every coulour imaginable. 


	83. FEBRUARY 26th, Friday

Fuck!!! It’s detention again. I was so preoccupied with Potter and looking around if someone is noticing anything and looking as hateful as possible that I forgot to write in this damn thing!

So it is Hagrid and the forest, as I was informed by Merrywhite, who just encouraged me to not forget to write next week, because she knows I can do it or some other shit.

Well. I’m just going to pray for unicorns or something.


	84. FEBRUARY 28th, Sunday

Yesterday, we fed thestrals, hippogriffs, encountered one or ten acromantulas wanting to eat me, picking up some fallen down branches. Today, I was supposed to paint the bottom of the stands on the quidditch pitch. I don’t know if it was Hagrid deciding what I was going to do or Merrywhite, but either way, I hated the person. It was up to me how I’d do it, muggle or magic. Both was horrible.

So I was on my second bucket of paint – I chose muggle way, because I thought it would empty my mind, and it really did – when there were steps behind me. I turned my head and saw Potter. While kissing, the brush I was still holding pressed into his jeans. ‘Sorry,’ I said, looking at the brown stain, ‘maybe it will be an improvement for this hideousness you’re wearing.’

‘Jeans are comfortable and I’m sure I’ve seen you in them before.’ I told him that my jeans are far superior, to which he reacted with: ‘Mhm, if you hate them so much, you can always take them off.’ I froze then and he felt it, ‘I mean, if you want to, of course.’

And I do, but the mere thought is just so … strange. (But still, I do want it, I can’t even pretend anymore that I don’t, and it’s truly pathetic and sad. Whatever, it’s just sex.) ‘We could meet someday, whenever, and we could… you could, you know, like, take it all off and…’ he trailed off and looked me up and down. I wasn’t sure if he meant his clothes, my clothes or both. I’m still not sure. And I had no time to react, because his lips were on mine again and his hands slid under my jumper, cold as fuck.

‘I would like that,’ I whispered through the complete delirium I was in.

‘Hm?’

‘We really should meet to discuss your wardrobe choices.’

He pulled back. ‘Yeah?’ I nodded. ‘Whenever you want.’

So we agreed on Saturday, Room of Requirement. I am not sure it’s a good idea, thinking about it now and considering everything, but I also can’t think of any other option.

I am not going to think about it at all, it’s giving me heart palpitations.


	85. MARCH 1st, Monday

Why did I agree to that?? It’s all I can think about. I don’t really know what he thinks is going to happen – and this is the problem, really, since we didn’t talk about it properly. Although, I probably prefer it that way, because thinking about talking about what we’re doing is making me anxious. But I would just like for him to say something like ‘I want to fuck you’ or ‘I want you to fuck me’ or whatever so I would be sure! Just be clear about it, Potter!! Now I have zero idea!

But I sure as hell am not going to ask him. Whatever happens, happens, I don’t care.

Fuck, this is so weird. It’s weird I am excited and terrified…? It is Potter after all. Potter with those fucking green eyes behind those hideous glasses, with his soft, thick, awful hair, with his lips and hands and body and… no! I am not doing this in class!!! 

McGonagall, Merrywhite, the Manor, screams, blood, manic laugh… okay, that will do.


	86. MARCH 3rd, Wednesday

This is how my today’s conversation with Pansy went:

Pansy: ‘What’s going on?’

‘What do you mean?’

Pansy: ‘Why do you have that on your face? That smile?’

‘There’s no smile. You’re seeing things.’

Pansy: ‘No? I know what a smile looks like and this is one.’

‘So? I am allowed to smile, no?’

Pansy: ‘Well, yes. But it’s so weird seeing it on you.’

‘Sorry. I must be happy I wasn’t hexed for several days now.’

Pansy: ‘Hm. I feel like… wait a minute! Are you seeing someone?’

‘No.’

Pansy: ‘Salazar, you are! Who is it? Please don’t tell me it’s the Hufflepuff bint?’

‘No it’s not! And it’s no one since I am not seeing anyone.’

Pansy: ‘Well, you went exceptionally red.’

‘Because you are annoying me! When I say there’s no one then there’s no one.’

Pansy: ‘I’ll figure it out sooner or later. Now go or you’ll catch on fire, your neck is red too.’

‘You will be disappointed then, because there’s nothing to figure out. But help yourself.’

She smirked and continued painting her nails with an awful red colour.

I have to stop replaying those times with Potter or I’m going to get caught, damn it!!!


	87. MARCH 4th, Thursday

The talk I was dreading happened today. I mean, it was a bit different than expected, though.

It happened in the library - great place for such topic. So he was sitting next to me, reading the Quibbler of all things, and when he was turning a page he whispered: ‘Have you ever done it?’ I almost choked on my own saliva. I played dumb (I knew what he was asking). ‘You know,’ he hissed.  I couldn’t look at him. It’s not that I am not used to talk about these things, because I am, but the thing is, it’s Potter and that makes it weird.

‘Yeah,’ I whispered back. He was silent for some time.

‘Girl or boy?’ he turned to me then, but I still couldn’t look at him.

‘Both.’ I looked. A mistake. His mouth was open and eyes wide, skin flushed and so close. I wanted to touch him right there and then (to shove him away from me..), but I gripped my book instead. ‘You?’

He cleared his throat and said ‘Ginny’ and somehow moved even closer. His knee touched mine and it is truly sad how I remember these details and times spent with him. We were just looking at each other and then stood up at the same time, took our things and went to make out in some classroom and that was the end of our little chat. Awful, just awful.


	88. MARCH 6th, Saturday

It’s the morning, sun is barely outside and I woke up all sweaty from the dreams I was having. It didn’t even happened yet and I’m a mess already? It’s the anticipation of it, that’s what is killing me. If I wouldn’t know it was happening – which, I technically still don’t know what is happening – I would be all right. But I know and I imagine and I don’t want to imagine anything!!

We agreed on six in the evening. It’s seven in the morning. Great. It’s eleven more hours of torture.


	89. MARCH 7th, Sunday

Safe to say - Potter is one utter shit.

I came yesterday as we agreed. Ten minutes later, I thought - let him wait. But when the room appeared, it was empty. So I waited and waited. For half an hour, like some pathetic loser. Then I didn’t want to be a loser, so I left. I was walking down the corridor, completely calm and unperturbed, when I saw him running towards me. He stopped in front of me, red in the face and sweaty, gulping for air.

‘I’m sorry! Ron wanted to play a game and I lost a track of time…’ he was saying something else, but the only thing I heard was that he chose Weasley.

I looked him up and down. ‘It seems your clothes need a good wash, Potter. Thank heavens I won’t be the one in charge of it.’

‘I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean for it to take so long, I swear! I’m here now… maybe I should shower.’

‘You should, you reek.’ I started walking away and he followed. ‘Please keep your distance, I meant it about the smell.’ He stepped aside.

‘I fucked up, I know. You’re mad, I get it. I would be too.’

I laughed, because he was fucking unbelievable. ‘I am not mad. I’m completely calm.’ I sounded it too, I know it.

‘Okay… so, can we meet some other day? Tomorrow?’

‘No, I already made other plans.’

‘Okay. You choose.’

I did choose and you chose something else you fucker!!!! I glared at him. ‘I’m busy every day.’

‘I knew you were lying, I saw your eye twitch!’

‘Good. Point for you. Now you can run back … to wherever and take that shower.’ I wanted to say he should run to Weasley to help him getting clean, but I imagined it for a second and it made me to want to throw up. I walked quickly away and he finally got the hint and stayed put.

Like honestly! What was I thinking would happen? Sometimes I think I’m dumber than Potter.


	90. MARCH 8th, Monday

He brought me a piece of chocolate cake to the library today. Pince saw and took it away with a death glare. If he thought a cake would make me amenable to whatever he wanted after he made a fool of me, he thought wrong. (I mean, the idea still persists in my head, but fuck it all if I'm gonna act on it - I am not going to be pathetic!)


	91. MARCH 9th, Tuesday

I walked into a wall today. I was staring at Potter (who was annoying in all his 'Saviour glory', talking and laughing with Granger) and hit my head, as the sudden appearance of stone stopped me. I was standing there, a bit dazed and shocked, my forehead throbbing, when Pansy and Theo came from the other side of the corridor. I can’t be left alone to live out my embarrassments in peace, obviously. (Now I’m thinking how many people were present and saw this happening. I can’t remember!!)

‘Why are you staring at that wall?’ Pansy asked me when they came closer. I said I was just resting – I was obviously out of it. They were both frowning. We walked to class together and the subject was thankfully dropped.

I am fucked. And now probably brain damaged as well.


	92. MARCH 10th, Wednesday

I told him today that there’s no reason for him to follow me anymore since the guy was expelled. He said ‘that’s not true, there were others,’ so I explained that after McGonagall’s announcement, nothing besides this happened.

‘So you were just tripping everywhere because you enjoyed it?’ Yes, it seems that Potter is more observant than I thought. ‘And what about that bruise?’ he motioned to my forehead. (No, the bruise couldn’t be healed all the way, but I managed a bit, so it is pale yellowish-green.)

‘I hit a door.’ I was not going to share the truth, he doesn’t make me that stupid.

‘You hit a door? How did that happen?’

‘Well, if I have to explain to you how one hits a door, then you really are a lost cause. Sometimes one just manages to hit a door, Potter.’

‘Hm, your eye twitched just a little bit. I’m willing believe it.’ The audacity!! Before I was able to insult him or sneer, he was in my face. ‘Do you want me to kiss it better?’ I said ‘no’ but he still went ahead and kissed my forehead. Then my lips and for the rest of the time we were really just making out. Yes, I allowed it! Sue me!!!

In the end he asked ‘better?’ and I said ‘your mouth has no magical healing abilities, so no’. He laughed. Like it was a joke, which it wasn’t. I didn’t smile – although my face had some weird ideas, so I immediately stopped it from happening.


	93. MARCH 12th, Friday

I had an unbelievably and inexplicably strong urge tonight to sink down to my knees in front him. He looked especially good the whole day, I have no idea what it was! His hair was still a mess and horrid like always, his clothes atrocious, nothing was different about him. I just wanted to ... I didn’t, thank heavens (it would turn me into a bigger loser than I already am).

Yesterday he agreed, albeit reluctantly, that he would stop his crusade when I brought it up again and I was not backing out – it went on for long enough. So there was no accompanying to classes (it was a bit strange, I kept looking over my shoulder if someone was pointing their wand at me), no library, no kissing. I’m so fine with this new situation, I couldn’t be more content!


	94. MARCH 15th, Monday

Without my personal escort, I am fidgety as ever, everywhere I go. That’s why I didn’t go anywhere during the weekend. Well, beside to Hogsmeade with Pansy, Greg and Theo (I bought way too much sweets and ate them all, I still feel faintly ill from all the sugar – I probably should’ve left some for later). Blaise didn’t disclose where he was going, but I am now almost completely sure it’s a girl, because when he came to the room on Sunday evening, his lips were stretched in a stupid grin and stained red from a lipstick or whatever it’s called, like the one Pansy wears.

Fuck! I almost fell out of my chair, some girl just dropped all her books on the floor. People need to stop making loud noises in the library!


	95. MARCH 16th, Tuesday

I was leaving the library yesterday and Potter was standing there. I don’t know what kind of demonic power took hold of me, but I grabbed his wrist and dragged him to the nearest alcove. There I dropped my bag and it was just like it always is. He was touching me everywhere and my hands spent way too long in his hair, although I remember them wandering under his shirt. And his lips were so soft, were they always so soft? And hot, very pliant. And he was hard – I didn’t do anything about it, let him suffer (although I suffered too).

And in this (very inexplicable!!) heat that possessed me, I whispered in his ear to meet me at the seventh floor on Wednesday evening and left. (Why did I say Wednesday? It should’ve been Tuesday. Idiot. Well, whatever, I’m not changing it now.)

This is so sad. What have I become?!


	96. MARCH 18th, Thursday

What the fucking hell? This urge to write is killing me and I know who to blame! Why can’t I just view it in a pensieve like a normal person? She ruined me and turned me half-muggle!!

It’s one in the morning, he’s lying in bed (with emerald green, silk sheets), snoring. It’s not intolerable. Yet.

He was pacing on the seventh floor when I came yesterday, the room already there. I went inside first, he closed the door and stopped in front of it, looking unsure. I was strung out already and didn’t need his nerves too, so I started toeing off my shoes and unbuttoning my trousers and that’s when he finally came closer and put his hands on my sides. He opened my shirt and saw the scars and was about to say something I didn’t want to hear and what would definitely kill the mood, so I surged forward and kissed him, pushing him towards the bed.

‘Is it weird I don’t find it really weird?’ he mumbled in my ear. I pulled back a bit and said ‘yes’ and he laughed and I almost ripped his shirt off. And then we were naked, suddenly on those green, soft sheets, he on top of me and I was so hard. I slipped my hand between us and he was moaning and I might’ve been making some sounds too. It was so fast and over so quickly, but it still left me feeling relaxed and calm.

He then lied there, half on top of me, his breath on my neck and leg thrown over my hips. I was truly blissed out. ‘It was good, right?’ he asked and I laughed ‘yeah, it was good’. ‘I told you before, I have no experience in this. I have pretty much no idea what I’m doing. But I read some stuff.’

‘You can read? What a surprise.’ He rolled his eyes and cleaned us (yes, I didn’t even care fluids were drying on my skin for quite some time, that’s how out of my mind I was) and was suddenly above me.

‘Yes, I know how to read. You should be glad, because otherwise I wouldn’t know about teeth and how sharp they can be.’ And then he went down on me! He was inexperienced but the enthusiasm really made up for it. I raised my head to see – well, it was something else. At one point he looked at me and kept looking, as he was moving his hand between his legs, and when I was close I wanted to warn him, but it was so sudden. And then he came too. I could’ve just died, but I didn’t and instead I kissed him.

I thought that was it, we would go to our dorms and maybe (definitely) had a repeat some other time. But he turned his back on me, lied on his side, took my arm and held it to his chest! We were… cuddling. I don’t cuddle, ever. And I put my nose in his hair and smelled it, voluntarily?! (It smelled like apples.)

I woke up ten minutes ago and my handwriting is atrocious, I have no idea if those sentences even make any sense, but I had to scratch this in very quickly, no time for details, because I’m fucking freezing and I want to get back to bed.


	97. MARCH 19th, Friday

Before we left the Room yesterday, at fucking five in the morning (because there were some things to be done), he said: ‘I had fun. Did you?’

‘No, I was bored out of my mind. What a stupid question, Potter.’ He pursed his lips to stop from smiling. He asked if I had plans that evening and I said no and we agreed to meet again.  Then I overslept and when I finally made it to breakfast, Blaise stared at me with deathly intensity. ‘Where the fuck have you been last night?’ I willed myself to keep my eyes on the food. I came up blank, I had no excuse. My mind kept going back to Potter.

I blurted: ‘I was meeting someone.’

‘I know, I’m not dumb. But the next time, just tell someone.’ It was all hissed and no one heard.

Potter kept staring at me, not at all subtly. Across the hall, in the corridors, in classes. In the library, he went as far as cornering me in an aisle for an impromptu snog until I shoved him away.

In the evening, I told him to stop gawping at me during the day, while he was opening my shirt. ‘But you looked so good. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, about last night.’ To that I reacted as inappropriately as possible – pushing him down on the sofa and sucking him off (!!!). He liked that, gripping my hair and gasping for air. I liked it too (maybe a little too much).

We left earlier than the night before, I insisted - after an insufferable cuddling, when he plastered himself to me.

He was staring again today. Pansy noticed, although she said ‘why is Potter glaring at us’. Thank Merlin Blaise was nowhere near, because I’m sure he would have something to say.

I will have to be more resolute about this tonight. I hope I won’t get distracted before I’ll get my point across to his little brain.


	98. MARCH 22nd, Monday

This thing got out of my hands so much… was it ever in my hands, though? I’m not sure about anything anymore.

I spent five consecutive nights with Potter. Very good nights. And I want to spend more nights with him! I am in the stage, when all I think about is sex. Not just any sex. Specifically, sex with Potter. I wish Potter wasn’t in the sentence.

Fuck, who am I kidding???


	99. MARCH 23rd, Tuesday

He struck up a conversation yesterday evening, he was nuzzling my neck, wrapped around me like a snake. ‘How many people have you been with?’

‘Three,’ I sighed, he was stroking down my stomach.

‘Three. Do I know them?’ His fingers continued making circles on my skin.

‘Two of them. Daphne Greengrass and Blaise.’

His hand stopped. ‘Zabini? When?’

‘Fifth year.’ He was silent and I opened my eyes. He was frowning at the window. ‘What?’

‘Zabini’s very handsome. I mean, Greengrass is pretty too, but he's something else.’

‘Sure,’ I mumbled and was suddenly irritated for some reason. ‘If you like that kind of thing.’

‘It’s you who slept with him. You like that kind of thing.’

‘Not necessarily.’

He turned his head towards me. ‘The third?’

‘A French boy, during one summer in Marseille.’

‘No Parkinson? I thought you dated for a while?’ He put his head on my shoulder and his breath ghosted my skin.

‘You thought wrong. I can’t even imagine it. Urgh.’

‘So you like both, boys and girls.’

‘Yes. So do you, right?’ I knew about the Weasley girl, but I wasn’t sure what went down there.

‘Yeah. But now, I like you.’ He resumed his previous movements, this time much lower.

‘That’s good.’ I gasped when his fingers wrapped around me.

‘And did you do everything…everything?’

‘Yes, everything.’ He was kissing my neck and his hand was just there and I couldn’t focus on anything else.

‘I want to do everything with you.’ He whispered it right into my ear. ‘All of it. With you.’

It is embarrassing that I basically came from his words. He was looking down at me, waiting. ‘Yes, we will do everything you want.’ (I say the cheesiest, most terrible things after!!) He smiled and kissed me. And kissed and kissed, and then I made him come too and then we snoozed for a bit and now all I can think about, is how Potter wants to do everything with me.

 

 

Wow. Seriously, sometimes I just want to die of sheer embarrassment over those diary entries.


	100. MARCH 26th, Friday

Pansy was insufferable today. Asking me questions about my ‘oh so secret affair’. (I should be tired, due to lack of sleep and a lot of activity during the nights. Alas, I am not. I’ve never felt more awake.)

‘So is it girl or boy? Who started it? Do I know them? Please tell me the truth, I won’t be mad – it isn’t a Hufflepuff, right?’ And similar bullshit. I was determinedly silent. Then she put on some whining: ‘Dracoo! Please! I am dying here!’

I just hope she won’t take it into her head to follow me around. I have enough of Blaise, who is not following me, thank Merlin. He just keeps his frown on whenever I come late to the room and he’s awake. I didn’t tell him, but I discovered a note or love letter or I don’t know what to call it, in his drawer (which I opened because I was looking for a quill and not because I saw him previously scribbling down and grinning at it), where he’s talking about ‘ _your skin that’s like fire when I touch it_ ’ or ‘ _I can’t stop thinking about you, your hair, your eyes and your lips - you_ ’. I threw up in my mouth a bit. Who would have thought Blaise can be this sappy?


	101. MARCH 28th, Sunday

Easter holidays start tomorrow and Potter informed me yesterday he’s staying in the castle. That’s awful – I have neglected so much homework because of him that I need to do. When I told him this, he just said we can study together, to which I laughed. He then proceeded to tell me that Weasley and Granger are leaving and that he will also have his dorm room to himself for almost a week.

‘Lucky you,’ I mumbled.

‘You know, you could visit.’

‘I don’t know if you only pretend being stupid or if you really are an idiot, Potter. How would that look like?’ I was not having heart palpitations at the idea of entering his room, empty, with his bed…

‘You forget I have the cloak.’ I looked at him and he grinned.

‘I really have a lot to study.’ I kept staring at him. His skin was still sweaty and his chest flushed red. ‘And what’s wrong about this room?’

‘Nothing, when there’s no other option. But there will be, in few days.’ He brushed his fingers through my hair. ‘Hm? What do you think?’

‘I think it’s a very stupid idea.’ I had no strength to argue, I didn’t really see why I even should argue.

‘I knew you’d like it,’ he kissed me and now here I am, hiding the cloak he handed me today with ‘use it whenever’. I don’t want to - but I know I will. Can I be more pathetic?


	102. MARCH 30th, Tuesday

I haven’t used it. Yet. I finally got some much needed sleep, in my own bed, whole night. Pansy is staying for the hols, just like Blaise. In fact, only Theo is leaving, mountains or something. So I’m kind of afraid that those two might have too much spare time. Pansy keeps up her innocent questions like ‘how was your day’ and ‘met anyone interesting’. I’m not that concerned with Blaise, he keeps disappearing more and more so let’s hope he will be doing whoever he’s doing most of the time. (I really don’t want anyone to know. It’s embarrassing enough as it is.)


	103. MARCH 31st, Wednesday

I’m having doubts. Not that it’s anything new.

I feel like I’m living someone else’s life or something. Potter and me? _What_ and _why_ are the words coming to my mind. I still have zero idea HOW it happened to be. It all seems so weird and quick and crazy and then not weird at the same time?? Like … it is Potter. Is it possible I’m doing it because I was so repressed for so long? Is he doing it for a similar reason or a completely different one? Is it some joke life is playing on me? Maybe I should’ve asked these questions before I fell in this hole, idiot!!

Like, I know I’m going to use the fucking invisibility cloak – today or tomorrow. And I know what is going to happen, one way or another. Maybe that’s why I’m freaking out. Although, there’s no reason for it, it’s not like I haven’t done it before. Merlin, we already did a lot of stuff, no need to think about it too much. Why do I think about it too much then?

I need to stop thinking altogether.


	104. APRIL 1st, Thursday

My mind kept whirling in all directions yesterday, so when it was just me in the room, I took out the cloak, pulled it over my head and left without anyone noticing. I don’t even know how I got inside the Gryffindor common room, I must’ve followed someone, because he didn’t bother to give me the password. Or the position of his room. But I managed and fourth time was the charm.

He was lying in bed, eating chocolate. He didn’t even flinch when I took it off and appeared in front of him. He just smiled and walked over with ‘hi’ and kissed me. And I went off. I said something like: ‘Thank you, Potter, for not giving me the password. I had to wait outside for quite some time. And if you think I’m willing to do that again, you’re sorely mistaken. Here, take this back and tell me exactly what it is you want from me. Because frankly, I had enough!’

He looked confused by the outburst and honestly, so was I. ‘Sorry about the password, I didn’t think about it,’ I scoffed at that, ‘I’ll give it to you the next time. But I don’t think I understand – what do you mean you had enough?’

I didn’t know what I meant at all, it just came out. So I said: ‘I don’t know.’ I held my head as high as I could to save some of my dignity.

‘You don’t know? Okay… I’m confused.’

‘Well you’re not the only one!’ The words were just coming out of my mouth without my permission at that point.

‘You want some chocolate? To calm your nerves?’ He extended his hand with the head of the chocolate frog.

‘I don’t want any chocolate!’ I sneered, took it and ate it. He laughed. ‘Is this funny to you?’

‘Well, kind of, yeah. But you’re usually funny, so. I like it.’ Well, I didn’t like it. He made me feel really weird. I didn’t have time to turn around and run when he stepped closer and put his hands on my neck. ‘Better?’

‘No? You think chocolate solves everything?’

‘No, but you sure seem to think so, given the amount you can eat in one sitting.’ The gall of the git!

‘Excuse me…’ I was about to go on a rant about his eating habits when he said ‘you are excused’ and kissed me and mumbled ‘you taste like chocolate’ and kissed me again and then he pulled away. ‘What do you think I want from you?’ he asked.

‘I have honestly no idea, Potter. That’s why I asked, right?’

‘Okay. Well, I told you I liked you, we meet and talk, we kiss on regular basis, often we sleep in one bed and have sex, so I think we’re dating?’ I felt blood rushing in my face.

‘We are not dating, Potter. We are having a … an affair or whatever. We’re not dating! Are you crazy? We’re not dating! No.’ I was definitely having a seizure and I was gripping his t-shirt. And he said ‘okay, we’re not, but we are’ and I think it was me who kissed him – and only because I couldn’t stand listening to him anymore!

We ended up in his bed, on those awful red sheets and he was looking at me like… he smelled so good and I started on his t-shirt and it was so hot in the room and he was kissing me all over, his skin was everywhere on my skin, his hands and lips and eyes… I can’t describe it – it was really nice, good. (I wish it was horrible so I had a reason to never see him again, but it wasn’t, it wasn’t at all, and now I want more and I want to cry! Fuck!!)

I woke up this morning – he was still asleep. I dressed, took the cloak and left. Everyone was still asleep when I came back to my room too. I lied in bed until Blaise woke up and asked me if I had a good night. I glared at him and told him to mind his own business.

I am at the quidditch pitch right now, it’s going to rain soon. I can’t stop thinking about him. About last night, about what he said. I feel really strange – I want to cry, laugh, scream, throw up, eat some food, hit him in the face, kiss him, never see him again. I blame him \- I was all right before. But now I’m just crazy.


	105. APRIL 2nd, Friday

I was about to leave the pitch yesterday, after staring at the sky for some time, when not surprisingly at all, Potter was there, at the end of the bench. He said his obligatory ‘hi’ and then continued standing. My insides hurt when I looked at him (what did I eat?), so I stopped.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked.

‘Yes.’

‘You were gone when I woke up. Do you regret it?’ He blurted it so loudly he was lucky no one else was there.

‘No.’ It was embarrassing how readily I admitted it.

‘No?’

‘Are you deaf now?’ I might’ve been a little irritated, my stomach kept rioting.

‘I thought, when you weren’t there that ... you know, it wasn’t good or you changed your mind or something.’

‘If you think I’m going to stroke your ego, telling you you’re some sex wizard or what, then dream on.’

‘Sex wizard?’ he snorted and came a bit closer. ‘That sounds much better than the Saviour.’ I murmured ‘git sounds the best’ and he laughed. I smiled (because I’m hilarious) and my eyes strayed to him. He was still quite far away.

I stood up and walked to him. ‘I liked it.’ He said ‘me too’ and reached his hand to my forearm, down to my fingers. I was about to kiss him, when I heard a laugh – some kids with brooms were entering the pitch. I made a step back and he dropped his hand.

‘What are you doing today?' I asked while looking at the approaching students.

‘I don’t know. I guess I’ll start on my homework.’ Merlin, he really was slow sometimes. He smiled when I told him about my plans and gave me the password. Back in his room, I might have been a bit too enthusiastic to get him naked, rip here and there – but really, it only improved the abomination he calls clothes.


	106. APRIL 5th, Monday

I spent way too much time in his room these past days. Thankfully, his roommates are coming back, so no more red everywhere!

He was extremely talkative and it was impossible to stay quiet. We hung out at the lake, played some quidditch, ate at his room, had sex – the only time he was somewhat silent, except few murmured gasps. And my name. It took me by surprise the first time, I think he was surprised as well, but then he said it again, and then again the next time. He even said it in a conversation, his mind not hazed by sex so it was even weirder. I cannot imagine saying his name unironically. I’m okay with Potter and I told him to stick with Malfoy. He shrugged with ‘okay, Draco‘ and continued stuffing his face.

Potter. Potter. Potter. Harry. No! I can barely write it.


	107. APRIL 7th, Wednesday

I fucked up so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MYSELF! What a stupid imbecile!! It’s harder and harder to maintain a clear mind... I pray for myself. I never wanted to tell about this to anyone, especially not my friends, listening to their taunts and questions and all...

So... about twenty minutes ago, we were just walking from the pitch, he was laughing at something (really loudly) and he just, I don’t know, looked so nice or something that I apparently lost my fucking mind and kissed him – there, right on the path to the castle, without looking around. When I pulled back for some air, I saw Blaise and Pansy over his shoulder, standing several steps away. Blaise had his face on that says ‘really, Draco?’ and Pansy was covering her mouth with both hands. Potter turned around and then back, but I was already pulling away and walking towards the entrance, ignoring his voice behind me. There were some sounds coming out of Pansy I couldn’t distinguish and Blaise just kept raising his eyebrows. I have no idea what kind of expression was set on my face, because they didn’t try to stop me when I walked past them.

I’m in the owlery (shit‘s everywhere), but I rather be here then with them or Potter or anyone else.

I can just imagine what they will s

 

 

I almost dropped the diary right in the excrements when Potter appeared, startling me. (I cannot have a moment of peace in this castle!) He asked if I was okay, I said I was, he asked what I was doing there, I said I was breathing fresh air and he looked around with ‘I see’.

‘So they didn’t know?’

‘Of course not. I am not walking around shouting it in everyone’s face. Seriously, Potter.’

‘Well, they’re your friends, I thought they knew, maybe.’ This just proved how oblivious he really is.

‘They do now.’

‘And is it so bad?’

‘Of course it is! I don’t want people to know.’ He was silent and then said that he didn’t know with a weird expression on his face. ‘What’s done is done. I’m just happy it was them and not someone else.’

And then that weird expression made sense: ‘Please don’t be angry. But... I might’ve told Hermione and Ron about us.’ I suspected as much, really, how could the three of them survive without sharing even their toilet habits?

‘Of course you did.’

‘I should’ve told you, I’m sorry.’

‘You should’ve.’

‘Are you angry?’

‘No.’ I don’t know what I felt. I guess it was resignation. Maybe the smell of shit was damaging my ability to get mad.

‘What are you going to do, now that they know?’

‘What can I do? Obliviate them? Nothing to be done. I’ll suffer through it.’

‘I’m sorry. But… you kissed me, so you can’t really blame me for this one.’ He smirked, came closer and held my hands in his. ‘But I can kiss you now?’ I sighed but leaned in anyway.

When I came back to the dungeons, Pansy was nowhere to be seen. Blaise, however: ‘I fucking knew it.’ I congratulated him. ‘So, is he any good?’ I told him I would not speak about it with him. ‘Why not? You couldn’t shut up about the French dude, but now you won’t share about Potter? I don’t want details anyway!’

‘Who’s the girl you’re dating?’ I asked, but honestly, I didn’t care much at that moment. I just wanted to steer him away from me. ‘It’s just fair, since now you know about me.’

‘She only just agreed to think about dating me for real. So when that happens. And it’s not like you told me, we caught you in the act.’

‘I won’t say anything either, in that case.’ I went to our room and I heard him snigger ‘it must be special then’. There’s nothing special. Nothing at all.


	108. APRIL 10th, Saturday

When I came to the common room yesterday morning, Pansy was there, pacing the carpet (apparently not avoiding me anymore). When she saw me, she grabbed my shoulders and stared into my eyes. ‘Please, Draco, tell me it was a nightmare and you’re not actually hooking up with Potter! Please!’ she shook me, I started saying her name but she jumped right back in. ‘Salazar! Why him? There are so many people to choose from and you go for Potter?! Even that Hufflepuff would be better than him! Why? Why?!’

‘Calm down and stop screaming, no one else can know!’

‘So what exactly is going on?’

‘I don’t know.’ I couldn’t tell her that Potter thinks we’re dating and that I started thinking so too, maybe. ‘We meet sometimes.’

‘You meet sometimes. Don’t give me this shit! I was watching you for some time and you like him! It all makes sense now, all those weird smiles and looks, I saw it all!’ I was shaking my head with ‘I don’t like him, are you crazy’. ‘Stop, please! This fucking denial doesn’t suit you.’ She sighed and shook her head. ‘Okay, you know what? I don’t care. If you want Potter, even though it makes me barf, have him! I don’t know what to tell you, Draco! So now, the most important detail – why didn’t you tell me?’

‘Are you joking? Exactly because of this. You’re behaving like a crazy person right now!’

‘Excuse me if it took me by surprise seeing you sucking the life out of him.’

‘I wasn’t … whatever. Just don’t tell anyone, okay?’

‘Of course I won’t tell anyone.’ After that she calmed down a bit and started the real interrogation. How long is it going on for, if he ever speaks about her murder (seriously???), how it happened, is he a good kisser, what about sex? And it throughout the whole day and there was a moment when Blaise joined in, asking his own stupid questions. I ignored most of them, it’s not like it’s vital for them to know his techniques, for fuck’s sake!


	109. APRIL 11th, Sunday

It was a really nice day today. I decided to use the good weather and went to read outside – it seemed like everyone had the same idea. I found a tree and sat under it for a while, soaking up the sun. After an hour of trying to focus, but failing miserably, I just lied there, watching people. Some of them (like usual), were looking at me too (staring daggers, I should say). I guess this is a never ending story. At least the hexes stopped. I wonder what will happen to me when I finish Hogwarts. Will I be able to go outside? I guess I’ll see in about three months.

Anyway. I was falling asleep when I felt him sitting beside me. I didn’t even have to open my eyes to know who it was (yes, I know, pathetic, blah blah). I haven’t talked to him since Friday morning, only saw him during classes and in the Great Hall.

‘Are you sleeping?’ he asked.

‘Yes.’

‘You’re very pink. Probably from the sun.’

‘What an astute observation, Potter.’ I managed to open my eyes and roll them. He then slid down and hovered over me, his hand in my hair.

‘Aren’t you scared your hair will be all dirty and grassy, lying here like this?’

‘Some of us, Potter, know about a thing called shower. You might have heard of it?’

‘I did. You probably forgot, but we were in this thing together. What was it again? Shower?’

‘Haha.’ I felt my face go even redder. He leaned down and kissed my cheek.

He whispered ‘I missed you’ and I said ‘it was hardly three days’ and then he said ‘still’. And then (I must’ve gotten a sunstroke) I murmured, barely audible ‘missed you too’!! His eyes went wide and he grinned. ‘You did?’

‘No.’ He smiled and I hated that smile, too satisfied and happy. But then he kissed me again and I forgot to retort. Only after several minutes later, him lying half on top of me, his fingers still in my hair, I realised we were outside, surrounded by people – I pulled away and pointed it out. ‘It’s okay, I put some spells around, they can’t see, yeah?’ I looked around, and no one was even glancing in my direction anymore. So we were lying there until the sun hid behind clouds.

I am becoming useless. I have to get a grip or soon the whole school will know.


	110. APRIL 13th, Tuesday

It is really hard to write what I’m about to write. But it keeps nagging in my brain, the weird thoughts and ideas, and I think if I let it out, those things would go away, hopefully.

I think I like it. I like doing stuff with Potter. I like kissing him, sleeping with him, and Merlin forgive me, I guess I like talking to him too. I even might like Potter himself. I don’t know, I definitely like what he looks like (I’m so insane that I even came to like his face) – he’s fit, I’m not blind.

So because of this, I am willing to let it – whatever ‘IT’ is – continue till the end of the term and just enjoy until I can. Because, let’s face it, there’s no way it could go on after we are in the real world. Not that I want it or that I think he wants it. I think I want to leave for some time, some place where no one knows me. I don’t know. I might take mother with me and we can go together, it’s no fun and games for her either. Anyway, it’s still more than two months away, plenty of time for me to forget the reality and pretend all is peachy.


	111. APRIL 14th, Wednesday

Potter asked me yesterday, in these exact words: ‘Are you ever planning to fuck me or what’s the deal Malfoy?’ It was in the middle of a conversation about potions (monologue, really, I was explaining to him basics of making a Pepperup Potion!), we were sitting by the lake when he just blurted this out and I literally choked on air.

‘What?’

‘You heard me. It’s fine if you don’t want to, but we never spoke about it and I want to know if you would want to do that. I would. If you want, of course. I want you to. I know some people prefer one way or another, but... I don’t know.’ He was blabbering, very fast, looking ahead at the water.

‘Er,’ I was speechless, my mind whirling with potion ingredients and what he just said.

‘Just say no if it’s not something you would be up to, it’s not that hard of a word. No!’ He kicked some rock and glared down at it.

‘Sometimes I can’t believe what comes out of your mouth, Potter.’

‘What am I supposed to do?’ he looked at me then, ‘It’s not easy talking to you, you know? And I can’t read minds. So I’m just telling you what I’m thinking. As I said, feel free to say no, it’s not like I don’t enjoy what we’re doing anyway.’

‘Do you want me to say no?’

‘No? I want you to say yes, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t bring it up, would I?’ He was really red, face and neck, and he looked so good – flustered and indignant at the same time.

‘Yes.’

‘Yes?’

‘Yes, Potter. Merlin!’ I was really out of it – who just blurts something like this, out of the blue? Potter, that's who.

‘Okay.’ He grinned. We didn’t agree on any specific date, I guess it will happen... eventually. 


	112. APRIL 15th, Thursday

It’s Weasley’s sister!!! The girl Blaise is after! Fucking hell! I saw them few minutes ago as I was coming to the dungeons, holding hands and turning the corner, Blaise suspiciously looking around if anyone saw them, I guess (well he failed, because obviously I did see). I didn’t follow, because I was afraid of what I would see, but it was definitely her red hair (I would recognise that awful colour all the Weasleys possess anywhere). I must say I didn’t see this one coming. (I wonder if Potter knows. If he’s jealous. I don’t ultimately care, I’m just curious.)


	113. APRIL 16th, Friday

Pansy informed us this morning that there will be a party on Sunday to celebrate her birthday, which I completely forgot about. So I made a quick order for those things she uses on her nails and lips (I have to remember to put some charms on them to make them better) and some Belgian chocolates (I hope it really will be express owl delivery). And apparently it won’t be any small affair, no, each house is invited. Great. Whatever, it’s her day, she can do anything she wants, I will survive one party. (It’s so Pansy to make her own, though, not letting anyone else ruin it.)

After breakfast, I confronted Blaise, told him I knew who the girl was. He didn’t look mad, he just grinned like a lunatic and confirmed it. ‘So are you two dating or what?’ I asked.

‘Yeah,’ he sighed, ‘she’s still thinking about it.’ He looked crazy. And now that I know, he wants to talk to me about her! No way in hell. I should’ve never told him, what an idiot!

‘Does Potter know?’ I asked next. He said he didn’t know, but that he doubted it, because she didn’t want to tell anyone yet.

In Potions, Pansy told me that I can invite Potter to ‘celebrate’ her. ‘If he doesn’t attempt to kill me, of course.’ So I was like why to even invite him if she doesn’t want him there and she said: ‘Well, I guess I have to make peace with this new situation. I can accept Potter as your boyfriend, Draco. You’re welcome.’

I gaped at her and then hissed: ‘Shut up! He’s not my boyfriend.’

‘Yeah, whatever. You can invite him but also don’t have to, it’s up to you.’ Then she kept her focus on the cauldron and thank Merlin for that, she’s always way too loud.


	114. APRIL 19th, Monday

As it turned out, it was an open invitation (the common room was full to the brim). I doubt those people even came for Pansy, maybe for alcohol. I told her this and she said she knew, she just wanted to have fun. (It might have saddened me.) She liked her presents though, so that was good. And I mean, she really seemed like she enjoyed herself, she was dancing, laughing, drinking, talking to people.

It was all good until Potter appeared. I didn’t invite him, of course, I didn’t even mention it. He seemed disappointed when I said I couldn’t meet him on Friday. He asked why, I said I had to start preparing for the exams (I had to help Pansy with fucking decorating, it was my penance for forgetting about her birthday).

He made his way towards me as I backed away from him. ‘Potter,’ I said.

‘Malfoy.’ He grinned and took some blue drink from the table. He made a face tasting it and quickly put it back. ‘Oh my god, gross. So… how’s the studying going?’

‘I have a break.’

‘Do you? How convenient.’

‘You didn’t really think I would be able to avoid this party, did you? You obviously don’t know Pansy.’

‘You could’ve told me, at least. But never mind, I’m here now,’ with that he made a step closer.

‘And so are many other people,’ I stepped away.

‘Let’s go to your room then.’

‘Have you lost your mind? No.’

‘Why? Everyone’s here, no one’s there. I would like to see it.’ He kept edging towards me, not at all subtle. So I walked past him to the hallway leading to the dorms. I could almost feel his breath on the back of my neck.

I slammed the door shut. ‘Potter, I do not like this behaviour of yours. You can’t keep approaching me in public like that. I bet people are already whispering about it. They probably think I cursed you or – are you even listening to me?’

He was looking around the room, into the windows and the water behind. ‘Wow, can you see the Giant Squid from here? Or Merpeople? So cool.’

‘No I can’t! Listen to me…’

‘I always listen to you and I heard this already. You don’t want people to know, got it. But I didn’t think it was a big deal, in such a crowd, no one would notice anything. And it’s not like I grabbed you by the ass. We were just talking. But I’ll remember it next time, okay?’ He sat on the bed. ‘Is this one yours?’ I nodded and his fingers splayed on the sheets. ‘I’m surprised it’s not silk,’ he smirked and I rolled my eyes. ‘But still green.’ And then he pulled his t-shirt off and started on his trousers.

‘What are you doing?! Are you completely mad?’ He was naked and I can’t help myself when he’s naked – I become a heap of stupidity. He waved his wand to put some privacy spells and threw it on the bedside table.

‘I’ll help you undress.’ So he did, his hands a bit shaky, and then we were both naked. He was running his palms up and down my chest, he whispered: ‘Do you still want to?’ I nodded, he smiled. ‘Yeah, okay, me too.’

I could see he was nervous, so I pulled away. ‘Look, we shouldn’t if you’re not sure. Let’s get dressed and go back.’ I was a little anxious about the situation too, for multiple reasons.

‘No. I am sure. It’s just new, that’s all. Just… you know.’

‘I don’t know. What?’

‘If… can we stop if I won’t like it? Cause, supposedly, it might be a bit painful.’

‘Yeah, we can.’ I was hoping he would just change his mind right there and then.

He didn’t. He lied there in front of me, on my bed, urging me to get closer. I could see how eager he was despite being nervous, he laughed when my foot somehow tangled in the sheets and helped me get free and after that there was a lot of touching and kissing. I asked him when there was still time to change his mind if he really wanted it. 'Fuck, Draco, can you seriously not see how much I want it? Keep going.'

And so we did it. I mean, I did it. I … why is it so hard to write, damn it!? I fucked him! Urgh, sounds so dirty. Fuck, I sound like a prude!!! It was great, like really... he certainly enjoyed it too...

Anyway, after it was over, we dozed off for the shortest while and then we dressed and Potter looked way too happy with himself. We sneaked back to the party, which was still going strong. We hung out for a bit, at least meter between us (it was hard maintaining the distance). After a while, Potter said he was tired. I went out with him, rounding the corner we kissed and he said: ‘It was really good, you were… really, really good.’

‘Eloquent, Potter.’ He smiled and said good night. Pansy stopped me on the way back, making me to have a shot with her. The sheets smelled like him, like his hair. I can still smell it, I think it’s in my hair, I smell like him. Does he smell like me too?

Fuck, this is annoying! I didn’t think I would be thinking about him constantly, all day!

 


	115. APRIL 20th, Tuesday

I just kept thinking about him and thinking and thinking, the whole fucking day, and it was making me crazy. And so when he sat beside me in the library, my fingers went stroking his neck, he smiled and turned his head and I kissed him and when I opened my eyes I saw three girls staring at us! I stood up so quickly the chair fell and made a noise, which alarmed Pince who was approaching from behind the still staring girls. I grabbed my stuff and almost ran out. Potter was all like ‘it’s okay’ and ‘I’ll talk to them’ and ‘don’t run’ and ‘let’s talk about it’. But I didn’t stop and kept going and only halted in my room. I tried to erase it from my mind, pretending nothing happened but it did and now it woke me at 2 am. No, this is not happening. It can’t be happening.


	116. MAY 3rd, Monday

In her newest letter, mother says she’s done with the changes on the new house. I can’t wait to go there, to leave this place. I had a detention again. Enjoyable as always.


	117. MAY 4th, Tuesday

It’s hell.


	118. MAY 6th, Thursday

It’s not healing, but what else did I expect, really? Not surprising at all. At least nothing’s on visible places this time around.


	119. MAY 8th, Saturday

I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone. Especially Potter. I thought I was clear when I told him I didn’t want to continue doing it. But I should’ve known better. We had the detention together today – repairing the outside walls that still kept crumbling after the war. I turned my back on him when I saw him, doing the spells as quickly as possible. But he closed the distance and touched my shoulder. I jerked away with ‘what the fuck, Potter?’ and a glare.

‘I just want to talk. About what happened, about everything.’

Why are some people this stupid? ‘I don’t. I told you to leave me alone, was it so hard to understand?’

‘Yeah? I know it’s not what you wanted, frankly, it’s not what I wanted either! But why does it have to be like this? We could’ve just let them talk, it would die down eventually.’

‘No it wouldn’t! It would never end. Where are you living, exactly? In some utopia where people suddenly love Death Eaters?’

‘Draco, please. Just-‘

I remember saying: ‘No! I don’t want to listen to it anymore! I don’t want to listen to you or anyone else! I want to finish this and go to my room and study and then I want to take the exams and leave this fucking place and never come back! I want to forget everything, you most of all! You ruined my life even more than it already was! Fuck you!’ Then I think I turned back to the wall and cast some more (weak) spells.

‘I ruined your life? Are you fucking serious? It was you who was taunting me all these years, you who made fun of my appearance and my dead parents, you who kept insulting my friends! And it was also you who let those lunatics inside the castle, you and your family who sided with Voldemort, in case you’ve already forgotten!’

I knew he would throw it all in my face one day. ‘Yes, you're right, I did forget! So please, Potter, refresh my memory, enlighten me!’ My wand was raised in utter anger, so was his.

‘I don’t want to do this!’

‘I don’t want it either! So why don’t you just keep quiet then?!’

‘God, this is… I don’t know what this is anymore,’ he said after a tense silence. ‘If we would try to talk, maybe-’

‘Why do you need to talk about everything? Why!? Write it in that fucking diary and don’t bother me! Either finally shut up or fuck off!’ I was so furious my hands were shaking.

He did shut up after that and started working. I ignored him the whole time. When Filch deemed we were done for the day, I hurried away. Tomorrow I’ll have to suffer all of it again.

I am so mad. Just shows how impossible everything really is.


	120. MAY 10th, Monday

At least Potter didn’t try to speak yesterday, except the ‘hello’ that I ignored.

Excruciating. It was excruciating.


	121. MAY 12th, Wednesday

Tonight, an owl delivered this letter to me. I’m sticking it on here, just so I can burn it at the end of the term with all of these pages. (He obviously doesn’t know how to erase ink, idiot.)

 

 

_~~Dear Draco,~~ _ _~~Malfoy~~   Draco, ~~~~_

_I decided to take your advice and  write what I want to tell you._ _~~(but can’t, because you’re so insufferable)~~ So here it goes._

_Do you know I started writing in that ‘fucking diary’ because of you? I didn’t want to write at all, I didn’t want to write about war or relive some things from the past. I didn’t want to talk about it, because it’s permanently in my head, swirling in there, so what would be the point?_ _I was obsessing about you from the beginning of the school year, I thought you came back for some terrible reasons (Ron was going mental from it, so instead of bothering him, I wrote it)._

_But you were just roaming the corridors with this empty expression, never protecting yourself against the hexes, you were just there. And I felt sorry. I wanted you to fight back, at least a bit, cause it was so unlike you – the complete passivity. I liked that you started insulting me again after some time, because it meant you weren’t totally blank. So then you seemed a bit more alive and I liked it._

_And then I liked it a bit too much. I was confused at the beginning, I thought it was just pity or something from my end. But then you kissed that girl and I couldn’t stop watching and I wanted to shove her away. Do you remember, day or two after the party, when I said we agreed on a game? We didn’t, I just hoped you were sloshed enough to not remember and that I’d be able to goad you into it._

_When I kissed you for the first time, I wasn’t confused anymore. For some reason, I liked you, I still do. ~~(You’re so strange, sure, but then -everyone is.)~~ You’re the same Malfoy in some ways, but you’re also such a very different Malfoy at the same time. I wish I could explain myself better, but as you love reminding me, I’m not the best with words. _

_Funny thing is that not once did it feel wrong or mad with you. I have no idea why, because to be honest, I’ve never thought about you this way before this year. ~~you were after all a real prick.~~ It just hit me out of nowhere and I wasn’t able to turn back. Or rather, I didn’t even try. I started to notice you and I guess I wanted you to notice me back, to like me too. Sometimes it seemed to me like you did, sometimes like you didn’t. It drove me crazy! And then you were kissing me back and I wasn’t able to stop and maybe I pushed you more than you wanted and that’s why you reacted like you did. I don’t know. I wish you’d just tell me. Anything.   _

_I wish it didn’t come out like it did. I wish no one knew, just so you’d be content. I know they are hexing you again and I hate it and I don’t care if you’ll get angry, but I’ve been following you under the cloak and I told McGonagall as well. ~~I might’ve hexed some of them back, but it’s~~   I never wanted any of this. _

_I hope you read this and don’t just throw it away, otherwise the hours I spent on this would be in vain (my hand is numb now). I don’t really know what I wanted to accomplish with this letter. I think I wanted to talk to you, even if it’s not a real conversation._

_I just really miss you._

_Harry ~~Potter.~~_

 

 

Like... what am I supposed to do with this??


	122. MAY 16th, Sunday

It was only me and some crumbling walls again. It was easier than the last time – I was alone and no one bothered me. Except Filch, who was keeping an eye on me.

It gave me time to think. And sure enough, not a good idea, it made my head hurt.

I’ve been avoiding him like the plague these last days. Not that he tried to approach me again, but I bet he was lurking somewhere, just as he admitted in the letter. I can’t complain, really, no one hexed me since last Friday, so whatever he’s doing, I don’t care.


	123. MAY 18th, Tuesday

It’s in the fucking Prophet.

When it all went to hell, I thought only people here would know, they would sneer, whisper, curse and laugh. Which they did, I didn’t expect anything else, but now, it’s out in the world.

Pansy is subscribed, she brought it to me, it read: _‘The Boy Who Lived ensnared by a Death Eater. How did Malfoy manage to lure in and corrupt Harry Potter?’_ She said she thought I needed to know – I didn’t, I don’t care. I just read the title and it was enough. ‘What a piece of shit this is! Don’t pay them any mind, Draco. They can go fuck themselves,’ she was saying, ‘and everyone else can too. It’s no one’s business.’ But it is, isn’t it? Because he is everyone’s business. ‘If you want to be together, then be together. If I could make peace with it, so can everybody.’

‘Pansy. I don’t want to be with him, so just drop it.’

‘What? Since when? I know it’s been fucked up lately, people here are so thick, but don’t let them ruin this for you. They have no idea what they’re talking about.’

‘It was never supposed to be, really. It’s much better like this, trust me,’ I was looking at her through a mirror as I was washing my face.

‘Sure.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘You know, Draco, you’re starting to be seriously annoying with this. No, don’t interrupt me. I’ve got enough of this martyrdom of yours. So you were a spoiled, prejudiced, little rich brat who followed his family into everything, you were on the wrong side of the war as were many other people. So what? Get over it! You’ve changed, as much as I hate to admit it. I did too. Everyone did. We’re not the same we used to be.’

I turned around then, angry, she didn’t understand anything. ‘Easy for you to say, isn’t it? You’re not marked for the rest of your life, you didn’t see half the things I saw or did the things I did! I still believe some of what I was taught, it’s not easy to forget or unlearn it! And people will never forget either, about Malfoys or the war. You think just because I was allowed to come back here that it made me a different, better person? It didn’t, I hate as much as I did before, if not more! I hate all who curse me, who laugh at me, who whisper! I hate them because they have right to do so, because they’re right!’

Pansy was furious too. ‘They don’t! Everyone hates someone, it doesn’t make you special Draco! And that mark you just love to bring out every now and then to make a point of what a horrible Death Eater you are? You think I didn’t see? It’s almost invisible for fuck’s sake!’

‘So what if it is? It’s there, it doesn’t change anything!’

‘It does! It means he’s dead and you can easily hide it!’ We stared at each other for a long time. I should know that for Pansy everything is about aesthetics. I started laughing, she did too and it was hysterical. Only it turned to tears after very quickly. She just said my name and hugged me, and I hate hugging, but I didn’t hate it then. She was mumbling something, I don’t remember what, and her voice was calming but I just continued crying and making some horrible noises. I must’ve fallen asleep, because I woke up few minutes ago, alone, with a note on the pillow: _You were so annoying I had to leave. I’ll say you got mumblemumps or diarrhoea, (I haven’t decided yet) and bring you homework. P_

I have a terrible headache. Fucking great.


	124. MAY 19th, Wednesday

I’m feeling like shit. It’s exhausting to even write anything at all, but I don’t want to spend another weekend repairing some war damaged objects.

I don’t really know what caused it. The article, detentions, Pansy or the thing with Potter, impending start of exams or the end of term or all of it. It doesn’t matter. The truth is, I’m miserable and I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to go to classes and walk through the corridors full of people who hate me. I don


	125. MAY 21st, Friday

It’s so tiring to walk and talk and sit and eat. It’s even more tiring to listen. For example, Blaise keeps talking at me about the most mundane things. And nonsense as well. Why do I need to know about whether he liked tonight’s dinner, or what he’s studying right now? Why does he think I care if he’s visiting some muggle healer? Or that I would benefit?

‘Draco, you’re fucking miserable. I have no idea what it is, it can be anything for all I know, but it doesn’t help that you keep it buried inside of you. You need to let it out. Are you even listening to me? Stop writing for a minute, please.’ He’s nagging me just now. It’s quite funny how annoyed he looks. ‘Why are you smirking?’ He’s leaning over me and I know he cannot see anything (at least that Merrywhite’s charm is good for something). He sighs. ‘Seriously, think about it. It helped me and I didn’t go through nearly as much of shit as you did.’ I’m telling him I’m not interested in talking to a stranger and to go and entertain Weasley with his chatter. (I am mildly surprised, I had no clue about this, he mentioned he’s been visiting this healer somewhere between his courting to Weasley.) He’s sighing again, sitting on the bed, looking at me menacingly. ‘Would you like to talk to me about it then?’ I laugh. ‘Exactly. Sometimes it’s better to talk to someone who has no idea who you are.’ He lies back and starts to read.

Greg and Theo are playing chess on the table between their beds. I would already beat both of them. really tired


	126. MAY 23rd, Sunday

Now it’s Pansy too. ‘I think Blaise is right, you should go and see this – therapist person, was it, Blaise?’ He nodded and I asked her if she was there too since she became such an advocate for all things muggle. She said she wasn’t (of-fucking-course) but she would go with me, support me. I said ‘no, thanks’ so then she was all like ‘okay, I’ll go with you and make an appointment for myself too’. Blaise was very helpful, provided her with an address and reassurance that of course he’ll go there with her. Then they turned their heads to me as one, question in their eyes. I shook my head and said AGAIN that I wasn’t interested – yet she went on and on and on!!!

And then it was settled. She is going on Tuesday and she doesn’t look one bit happy about it. She just wants to prove me wrong. But I know I will have the last laugh.


	127. MAY 24th, Monday

Today was finally more bearable, I didn’t feel like crying once.

I saw Potter. Not that I don’t usually see him, but I was looking for him and then I kept looking. I was careful he wouldn’t notice. I didn’t follow up on his letter and he didn’t try to speak to me anymore. I never saw him looking at me. It’s for the best.

 

 

~~Fuck it. I miss him too – his annoying voice and awful personality among other things. Yeah, I do and I don’t know what to do. I mostly don’t want to do anything.~~


	128. MAY 27th, Thursday

Apparently Pansy loved the session so much, she’s going again. She tried to persuade me to come with her – how awesome it was to talk to someone, tell them everything, not being judged, blah, blah, blah... And this is going on for two days now!

I won’t go. They can try but I don’t need nor want it.


	129. MAY 29th, Saturday

I allowed myself to go to the common room and what a mistake that was. I became a witness to the horrible Zabini/Weasley snogging. Why was she even allowed inside?! Did no one try to stop them? I must’ve made a sound, because they stopped and turned their heads to me.

Weasley said ‘Malfoy’ and Blaise said: ‘Draco, where are you going?’ I said I was going outside to study. Another mistake. ‘Oh yeah? We were just about to go, right, Ginny?’ She nodded with a smile and a peck on his lips (disgusting). What was I supposed to do? I didn’t let them ruin nice weather for me, that’s what I did. And as luck had it, Theo and Daphne came to the common room, so I asked them to come with us – they already had hands full of books anyway.

It’s really nice here. Sunny and warm. Except for the giggling from Zabini/Weasley – it’s insufferable. Thank Merlin for Daphne and Theo, who don’t seem to mind, which – HOW?!! (Weasley keeps giving me looks here and there, like I’m going to hex her or something.)


	130. MAY 30th, Sunday

Here’s a conversation between me and the Weasley girl when she was leaving our room this evening, because apparently we are now bringing girlfriends there (I was in the common room, couldn’t possibly stand them, unlike Greg and Theo):

Weasley: ‘Hello Malfoy.’

‘Goodbye.’

Weasley (sits on the sofa next to me, staring): ‘Well, I can’t say I don’t see it but still.’

‘Excuse me?’

Weasley: ‘You’re not as ugly as I thought.’

‘Thanks.’

Weasley: ‘Sure. But the thing is, you’re still a prat. I don’t understand.’

‘Not that I don’t enjoy these riddles, but I’ll leave you to it.’

Weasley: ‘Why? Aren’t you having a blast when I’m insulting you?’

‘What do you want?’

Weasley: ‘You’re no fun. Just, you know, since me and Blaise are together now, I thought it would be nice we’d play nice. The two of us.’

‘You’re off to a good start then.’

Weasley: ‘Seriously? It’s nothing compared what you used to say, is it?’

‘Whatever.’

Weasley: ‘Yes. So as I was saying, you’re Blaise’s mate so I will have to put up with you. I would appreciate you’d do the same.’

‘I’ll try my best.’

Weasley: ‘Please do. Who knows, maybe we’ll become best of friends! Weirder things have happened.’ (here, she thumps me on my shoulder)

‘I doubt it.’

Weasley (laughs): ‘We’ll see. Not that I’ll try for it to happen, of course, I’m not insane like some people.’

‘Okay?’

Weasley (standing up): ‘It was nice chatting with you. Well, it wasn’t, but you know, trying to be polite and all.’

With that and hair swishing behind her, she left the common room. What a fucking joke..


	131. MAY 31st, Monday

One of the few days I venture for breakfast and it’s still awful. We sat down – I, intent on looking only at the food – when she came traipsing in. Since when are we mingling with other houses in such a peaceful event as breakfast most definitely should be? She sat beside Blaise (the dumb look on his face!) and loaded her plate with food. Pansy chatted with her!

But something truly astonishing was yet to come. Weasley came barging in to the table: ‘Ginny! What are you doing?’

‘Ron. Good morning. Sit, we’re having breakfast.’ She turned to him and smiled.

Granger was coming over too. ‘Hi everyone. Ron, come on, your eggs will get cold.’ Pansy sniggered at this and Granger glared at her.

‘Tell me you’re not here because of her?’ he pointed at Pansy.

‘No.’ She put her hand on Blaise’s thigh, very suggestively and Weasley went exceptionally red.

‘Merlin’s balls, Ginny! You can’t be serious!’

‘Ron, please, come,’ Granger pleaded.

‘I am very serious. So now, either sit or go eat those eggs of yours.’ She turned back to her food and I saw Granger's barely suppressed smirk.

Weasley, if possible, went even redder. ‘I am not going to sit here! And you shouldn’t either. Are you crazy? Come to our table!’

‘No. Mhmm, I love waffles. Wanna try?’ she picked up a piece with a fork and offered it to Blaise, who opened his mouth and chewed with ‘delicious’. I didn’t know where to look first: Weasley’s utter outrage, his sister’s smirk, Blaise’s lovesick smile, Granger’s mild apprehension, Pansy’s evil grinning face or Greg’s total disinterest.

Weasley’s hands were in fists. ‘Are you sleep-‘

‘Okay Ron!’ Granger interrupted him and started tugging at his arm, he stumbled backwards, ‘you will talk after breakfast.’

‘Hermione! She’s… Why?’ They were walking away, Weasley still somehow reluctant, but his voice carrying. ‘Why is everyone losing their minds over the Slytherins? My sister now! Slytherin! Did you know about this?’ And then he turned to her and I couldn’t hear anything else.

She pushed him down to sit at their table and was telling him something. He just kept shaking his head. That’s when I saw Potter looking over and I averted my eyes. And was met with the worst thing of all: the two of them feeding each other, same ridiculous expression on their faces! If this will continue happening on daily basis, I swear no one will see me at this table ever again.


	132. JUNE 2nd, Wednesday

There’s another article in today’s Prophet. What else can they write about me that they already haven’t these past days? Oh yes, that’s right, public’s opinion on _‘The Affair of Harry Potter, the Saviour of the Wizarding World, and his Death Eater lover’_. I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT ANYONE’S OPINION, THE PUBLIC CAN GO FUCK ITSELF!!!!!

I’m so fucking angry! I didn’t want to read it, but it was there, near Pansy’s elbow. It was exactly as I thought – people are not happy. Who the fuck cares??!! I don’t care if they’re happy or not, I’m not happy either and am I complaining in the fucking Prophet?!

Fuck this shit!!

Fuck them!!!!

Fuck me because I do care!!!

How I hate myself!


	133. JUNE 3rd, Thursday

I’m attaching here the notes exchanged between me and Potter during today’s Transfiguration (he started it):

_I read the Prophet. You know I don’t care, right?_

_Harry_

**So?**

_Just wanted to let you know in case you thought I did. I don’t and I hate everything they write._

 

**Good to know.**

_I’m surprised you’re writing back, since you didn’t even answer my letter._

 

**Did it make Saint Potter sad?**

 

_Yeah. I mean, I didn’t think you would, but still. Can we meet?_

 

**Why?**

 

_Don’t get annoyed. To talk. Hang out, whatever._

 

**I told you multiple times I don’t want to talk or meet or do anything else with you, did I not?**

 

_Why are you writing back then?_

**Fuck off.**

 

_Let’s meet. Write time and place._

And I didn’t answer. I tore up the notes when he was watching me. I spelled it back together once I got to my room.

I can’t meet him. I just can’t. It’s all too much.


	134. JUNE 4th, Friday

I don’t know what he’s playing at, but I don’t like it. Breakfast was a terrible affair, again. Weasley (I don’t know how to call her, it’s against everything for me to call her by her first name… but I guess I could use it here, for better discerning who’s who, since there’s so many Weasleys in the world) sat with us again, only she brought a friend. There were murmurs everywhere. ‘Good morning everyone. Harry wanted to join, I hope it’s okay,’ she said and glared directly at me.

Pansy was the first to speak. ‘Of course it is. Please join us.’ I turned to her, she just shrugged with ‘what?’ and continued eating her oatmeal.

‘Thanks,’ Potter said and sat down next to _Ginny_ (it’s worse than I thought) who was already canoodling with Blaise. He loaded his plate with everything in his vicinity, oblivious to the whispering and weird tension in the Hall. I was watching him taking his first bite and then he said (mouth full, gross): ‘Is it possible the sausages here are better than at our table?’

‘Yeah, right? I thought I was crazy! What kind of favouritism is that?’ Ginny asked.

‘Well, from now on I’m only eating at the Slytherin table,’ he looked at me then and I stared at him, frowning, annoyed, repulsed and speechless. ‘Hi.' I didn't react. Instead, I caught a sight of fuming Weasley sitting next to Granger who looked unperturbed, nose in a book.

It was like no one noticed the awkwardness of the whole situation. I was full of it. I zoned out, trying not to hear the chatter. It was the longest breakfast in history.


	135. JUNE 6th, Sunday

Pansy insisted we needed to celebrate my birthday yesterday. She wanted to drag me to Hogsmeade for a celebratory morning drink or whatever. I stood my ground and insisted I did not want to celebrate anything in anyway and she was not pleased. But she still gave me a present – my favourite chocolate and diary with my initials in silver pressed into the leather. ‘You just love writing in this ugly one, I thought after it’s finished you’d like something nicer. You’re welcome, darling!’ She was ecstatic and I didn’t have the heart to tell her I will be destroying Merrywhite’s one as soon as the term’s over. Theo gave me some basic quills (not as good as the ones I lent him and he never returned), Greg pushed a new chess set in my hand (really lovely) and Blaise decided to gift me red pyjamas with snitches and brooms while laughing obnoxiously at his own wit (yes, so very hilarious) and then it was day as any other, no annoying celebrations.

But I was annoyed either way. Because everywhere I went, there they were – Blaise with his _girlfriend._ It was so much better when they were hiding. Now we all have to suffer. And not just her, but Potter took it in his head to third wheel them every chance he get. I couldn’t hide from any of them.

I was by the lake today with Greg, eating chocolate and playing chess between studying, when Pansy and Leah joined. Then Theo was walking by with manic expression and arms full of books, Daphne sat down minutes later after him with cheery ‘hi’, Blaise plopped down not long after. So that was still bearable, until _Ginny_ came, followed by Potter, Granger and Longbottom!!! I almost lost it. And everyone was okay with the situation, even Pansy, the traitor!! I firmly kept silent if I was not directly addressed. It went on for about two hours or eternity, not sure, until Granger stood up with intention to get dinner and others soon followed. Then it was only me, Theo and Potter.

Theo was no help, he kept staring into his books, breathing heavily for some reason. Potter just stared into the distance. I stood up and he jerked his head towards me and stood up too. ‘Theo, let’s go,’ I said.

‘Yeah, yeah, Draco.’ He didn’t move, turned a page, settled against the tree and started murmuring something with his eyes closed.

It was no use so I started walking away, Potter next to me. ‘Are you ready for the N.E.W.T.s?’ he asked. I said ‘probably’ and he said ‘good’ and then there was silence.

We kept walking and without stopping I asked him: ‘Seriously, Potter, what are you doing?’

He sighed. ‘I don’t want to go back how it was before this year. I want to be friends. Or amicable, at least, if nothing else.’

‘Why?’

‘Why not?’

‘Do you care what I want?’

‘Tell me what you want.’ And I wanted it too but so much more and other things as well. I was about to say something but there were some students sitting on the stairs to the castle, who started whispering when they saw us and then glaring and laughing. Potter glared back at them and said ‘fuck off’ and continued up the stairs. They stared at him with eyes wide open. I walked behind him when he turned around and asked: ‘So? What do you want?’

I told him I wanted to pass the exams. He prodded ‘anything else?’ and I said that I can try to be friendly. He laughed and said ‘okay, Malfoy’ and then we continued to the Great Hall. He went to sit at his table, explaining with ‘Ron is very cross with me already’ like I expected or wanted him to keep me company or even feed me.

Yeah, so that was my weekend…


	136. JUNE 8th, Tuesday

I was sitting in the library this evening, when Potter approached my table with ‘may I?’ and sat across from me. I didn’t argue, I guess I wanted to deliver on the promise of trying to be friends or whatever.

We didn’t talk. Surprisingly enough, Potter seemed to be actually studying. He murmured something here and there, but other than that his eyes were firmly stuck on the pages. Now that I think about it, I may have spent way too much time watching him (I don’t remember anything of what I read after he came, if I even read something at all).

After two hours he closed his book and yawned. He asked if I was done, to which I nodded and packed my things. We walked together and I got a strong sense of déjà vu. Few months ago we would kiss in some dark corner, but now we didn’t. It felt… weird.

‘Do you want to go flying tomorrow?’ he asked when we were about to part ways on the staircase.

‘I can’t.’ I said and was thinking about an excuse, because I had absolutely no plans whatsoever. But I didn’t have to worry because he just said: ‘Okay. Maybe some other time. Good night,’ and then he turned around and left. Very well.


	137. JUNE 10th, Thursday

Daphne approached me today in the common room, looking tense. She sat beside me and asked how I was feeling about the exams, I said mostly fine. She then proceeded with: ‘Yeah, I’m so fucking nervous and I just keep thinking about it, I need a break. How about we help each other out? You and Potter aren’t an item anymore, right?’ She caught me so off guard that I just shook my head. ‘Good. So what do you say?’ She seemed to be vibrating with nerves and anticipation. But I couldn’t, I wasn’t in the mood for a repeat of fifth year or in a mood for her. So I said ‘sorry, Daphne, I don’t think so, don’t feel like it’. She nodded, smiled a very constricted smile and said she would try asking Theo. I snorted ‘good luck with that’ and she sauntered off. Theo would definitely need to loosen up, he became super annoying.


	138. JUNE 12th, Saturday

Mother sent me a package of sweets to ‘help with the stress’ along with a letter where she finally addressed what was going on (as well as my birthday –  she knows I don’t really like celebrating or even acknowledging it anymore). She basically said she was shocked when she first learned about it and then saddened I didn’t tell her what was going on in my life. She reassured me though that she doesn’t care – if it makes me happy. She also expressed her anger over the articles and that the Prophet always was and always will be complete trash.

I wrote back to thank her for the chocolates and candy and to not worry about me, that I’m ready for the exams and can’t wait to go home. I didn’t mention the _other things_ , what was I supposed to write? ‘Mother, do not fret, me and Potter are over, it was just fucking anyway. I’ll tell you all about it once home.’ Definitely not.


	139. JUNE 15th, Tuesday

People are going mental, exams start on Monday and it shows. Theo is completely out of it, reading every book in his vicinity. Pansy is fretting about what lip colour will bring her luck. I saw Granger walking the corridors with three books levitating in front of her. Blaise and Ginny are always vigorously studying together, competing who knows more by shouting all their knowledge at each other (when they’re not busy with all the snogging). I even saw a Hufflepuff laughing hysterically, out of nowhere, while facing a bare wall.

Am I going mental too? Maybe…

 

 

 

Where is moly used except Wiggenweld Potion? Fuck! I can’t remember, have to look it up immediately.


	140. JUNE 17th, Thursday

It is not helping that EVERY morning Potter is now having breakfast at the Slytherin table. I always tell myself I’m not going in the morning, because he’ll definitely be there and I don’t want to see him… but I still end up going because he’ll definitely be there and I want to see him…  

My madness, at this point, knows very little boundaries.


	141. JUNE 18th, Friday

He asked me (again) if I wanted to go flying. I thought about it for whole five seconds and then said yes.

I just came back from the pitch. We played for hours and it got me completely forgetting about everything. There was just wind and the snitch. We talked while walking back to the castle, mostly about exams. Potter seemed fine, not stressed, he even said so himself. I said that ‘of course you’re fine, you would pass even if you wouldn’t do anything’ which was meant to be a joke (kind of) but he nodded with ‘you’re right, it sucks’. To better the mood, I asked him what he wanted to do after and, predictably, he said to join the aurors. He looked excited talking about it. He asked me in return and I said I didn’t know, because I don’t.

I keep thinking about leaving, doing nothing, we’re still left with enough money for me to be able to do it. We’ll see, I guess.


	142. JUNE 20th, Sunday

Theo lost it today, cried the whole afternoon about how he knows nothing. I almost slapped him across his pale face, he was so loud and annoying. Pansy shared the sentiment but was more vocal about expressing it: ‘Shut the fuck up, Nott! There are people who need to study and didn’t manage to read every damn book in the library like you! So do us a fucking favour and go wailing outside!’ I guess she’s more stressed than she appeared. I offered her chocolate mother sent me the other day, she ate it and then smiled contently. (Until Theo started screaming about losing his – my – quill, when she lost it again and their screaming match began. Lovely.)


	143. JUNE 23rd, Wednesday

Half done, half to go.

I think I did well, Transfiguration and Potions for sure. I’m not so positive about Runes, but hopefully I passed. So I still have History, Charms and Defence. Well, and Muggle Studies, but no exam, only a one-on-one with Merrywhite. I seriously don’t get why this was a mandatory subject for everybody. I’m meeting her on Monday, (I expect I’ll have to suffer through one last of her babblings) I have no idea why, but whatever.

I can’t look at any more books… I’m not going to think about anything today, just rest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why is it so hard for my mind to stop fucking swirling around and keep silent??

 

 

**SHUT UP!!!!**


	144. JUNE 25th, Friday

I’m officially done, no more studying. I think I passed it all. Hopefully. I don’t want to think about it anymore. Theo keeps telling us what were his exams like, what he thinks he did wrong and where he excelled. Few minutes ago Daphne passed around us and he yelled at her with a satisfied smile ‘I got time now, Daphne’ to which she answered ‘great, enjoy yourself’ and he went so red he could rival Weasley’s hair.

Everyone seems to be pleased with themselves, even Greg who said ‘I think maybe just one T, how cool?’ and went on eating a pie.

Pansy and Leah are already planning a party for all the seventh and eighth years. I think I’ll give it a go, voluntarily even – the last one and all.


	145. JUNE 26th, Saturday

I just came back from a super tiring seekers game with Potter. We played for hours, he won most of it (of course, the git) but I managed to win few anyway.

Then we lied on the pitch to catch our breath and I asked him how he did on his exams. ‘It could’ve been better, but I gave it my best, you know?’

‘I bet it was Potions wasn’t it?’ I teased him and he laughed and said I was right. He went on to describe how his Euphoria turned greenish instead of yellow and how it was sad he didn’t have some book to help him out again, and how he thought it would be easy, since he already brewed it once.

I said to him: ‘Just shows how incredibly dumb you still are, doesn’t it?’ He laughed again. I liked it.

‘Are you going to the party tomorrow?’ he asked.

‘Yeah, Pansy would murder me if I wouldn’t. Are you?’

‘Probably, yeah.’

Once we were about to go our separate ways in the castle, he lingered. I thought he would lean in and kiss me, but he just stood there, waiting, until he finally sighed ‘see you tomorrow then’ and left.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I want anymore.


	146. JUNE 28th, Monday

The party took place in Ravenclaw common room. By the time I came, majority of people were halfway to being drunk. I found Greg and joined him, we chatted until some girl came and asked him to dance. He went very willingly.

His space was soon occupied by some Ravenclaw girl I didn’t know. She started talking to me, slurring slightly that she hexed me once but was disappointed how bad it made her feel. She said she was sorry and then ‘I still don’t like you, mind you, and the thing with Harry, urgh, that was weird’ and then she looked me over with ‘although, I must say, you look pretty fine’ she smirked here and burped, giggled and stood up with ‘excuse me, must throw up’ (she didn’t make it, but I had to admire she managed to summon a bowl of candy and empty it before emptying her stomach into said bowl).

Then Blaise and Ginny joined me (for whatever reason), she sat on his lap, but thankfully they managed not to snog.

And then came Potter. We all talked for a while and then he asked me to come with him. I didn’t even ask why or where, I just went. We ended up in the corner near the shelf full of books.

He started with”‘God, I know this will annoy you, but I wanted to talk.’

I sighed. ‘Yes? What about?’

‘I think… are we friends, do you think?’ I didn’t know what we were, what we are, so I said ‘I guess?’ and he asked: ‘Yeah? So, after the school is over, does that mean we’ll keep in touch?’

I shrugged, trying hard to sound nonchalant. ‘I can try. But I can’t promise anything, who knows what will happen.’

‘You still don’t know what you’re going to do after?’

‘No, I don’t, I try not to think about it.’

‘Yeah, okay. Good. Because like, we don’t have to meet or anything, if you don’t want to, there are letters and stuff, you know, floo, whatever.’

And then this came out of my mouth: ‘Why are you so adamant about this? Us being friends, keeping in touch? You know what people think, it’s no good. So why?’

‘Well fuck them! I already lost a lot of people, friends and family. I don’t want to keep losing them. I don’t care what anyone thinks, what matters is what you and I think. And if you say you will only write me once a year, so be it. I can’t promise I won’t write more than that to you, though.’ He smiled but it seemed really constricted.

‘Yeah okay, I will write to you, maybe even twice a year.’ I smirked and all of a sudden my hand was on his shoulder and his fingers wrapped around my wrist. We just stood there, looking at each other and I felt sick. It felt like the end. Or goodbye. It felt wrong.

I dropped my hand and after a while he let go and put his hands in his pockets. ‘So, twice then, I’ll remember it in case you would try to back off.’

‘I said maybe, Potter.’ I know my voice trembled, I couldn’t look at him anymore. ‘Should we go back?’

‘Yeah, let’s.’

I didn’t enjoy it much afterwards, we sat together for a while, other people joined us and I wanted not to be pathetic. I drank, laughed even… I think. But every time I looked at him I wanted to cry and scream and hit something. So I drank more.

I think Greg helped me to bed, because I woke up here with a pounding headache about an hour ago.

I know it’s my fault. All of it. And I can’t bring myself to change anything.

 

I’m a true coward....


	147. JUNE 29th, Tuesday

I had the meeting with Merrywhite and honestly, it was that kind of bullshit I expected from her.

‘Did you like writing in your diary, Mr. Malfoy?’

‘No.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it was stupid.’

She laughed and continued. ‘Yes, you might think so, but I think you enjoyed it. Am I right?’

‘No you’re not, I hated it,’ I said because she couldn’t give me any detention anymore.

‘Why?’

‘Because it was stupid and pointless.’ I hoped she would stop talking after that.

‘Maybe you felt stupid because you weren’t used to express your emotions in similar manner. But it wasn’t pointless. Remember, I felt what you wrote. I felt pain, happiness, joy, hate, anxiety, love, anger, sadness. Do you maybe feel lighter in some ways?’

‘No?’ I feel like shit you complete bint!

‘You might not realise it now, but after some time you’ll see the benefits of this whole year exercise. Once you’re ready to admit it, of course. I have to say, I am very proud of you, how far you’ve come. I thoroughly enjoyed witnessing your progress and growth. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours, Mr. Malfoy.’ She extended her hand and I shook it, completely rendered speechless.

This woman must have fallen from some tree, she is living in her own world, oblivious to reality, probably.


	148. JUNE 30th, Wednesday

I thought I would be happy leaving Hogwarts. I wasn’t.

We had our last breakfast, I was still full from the yesterday’s celebratory dinner in the Great Hall, and it was kind of sad. I packed my suitcase and we headed to the Great Lake. We lounged there, talked, Pansy about her future career in fashion, Theo was for once silent, Blaise just kept nagging about Ginny and Holyhead Harpies, how proud he is and Greg was hungry.

And then we went back to the castle, took our luggage and headed to Hogwarts Express. It was bittersweet, but nevertheless, I enjoyed the journey. They probably thought we were starting something better. I didn’t want to bursts everyone’s bubble by saying it would only get worse from here.

Mother waited for me at the King’s Cross, looking calm and a bit pale. I said my goodbyes to everyone, we agreed to meet and write and call. As I was walking towards her, I saw Potter with his friends and the whole clan of Weasleys. He saw me, smiled and raised his hand in a small wave. I nodded back and tried to smile back, but I guess it came out more as a grimace.

We apparated straight inside the house. It’s really lovely, light, clean and not feeling like home. At least for now, I’ve been here for only six hours, I’ll just have to get used to it. Mother showed me the whole place, there’s even a small garden at the back where she already planted some flowers. She asked me about exams, what I’m planning to do now that the school is over and Merlin, I hate that question, I keep hearing it everywhere. I snapped a little and told her I will probably just lie in bed the whole summer and ‘stop nagging me with stupid questions’ which made her narrow her eyes. I immediately apologised, it was uncalled for. Then she went on with some job suggestions, I tuned her out, nodded here and there, asked something, but didn’t care for it at all. We ate dinner – we still have two house elves, can’t imagine mother cooking, we would starve to death. So then I went to my new bedroom – I like it here I guess, what’s not to like really, the bed is huge and comfortable, the room is clean with huge windows and a lot of light...

Why do I continue writing in this? It’s over, this torture, everything is over now!


	149. JULY 4th, Sunday

This is the last time I’m opening this wretched diary. And it’s only because Potter already sent his first letter.

 

_Hello Malfoy!_

_I thought it was appropriate to write you already, because why not, right?_

_How are you? How’s life? I’m fine, in case you’re wondering. I’m staying in the Burrow for the holidays, or at least until we get the N.E.W.T.s results. Then it’s the aurors (hopefully I got the necessary marks. I can imagine you rolling your eyes right now and probably thinking something along the ‘even if you got T on everything they would still kiss your stupid Saviour arse’, am I right? ) and living on my own. I’ve never done it before so I’ll see if I manage. I already miss Hogwarts sometimes, you know, so I guess I’ll miss it even more when I’ll be alone (hopefully I won’t be too pathetic about it)._

_Do you miss it too? Please say yes so I don’t feel like the only whinging loser here._

_If you feel like writing back, please do, I would really love it. I mean, after all you promised me at least one letter back. I hope you remember, because I sure do and I will be nagging you until I’ll receive it. I can be very persistent, but you already know that._

 

_Harry_

 

Yeah, I promised. I guess I can manage to scratch two sentences. Or four, maybe.


	150. 2005: NOVEMBER 12th, Saturday

What a blast from the past! I just reread this whole crap and I can’t believe how pathetic I really was! Merlin, it was such a long time ago. Six years! Wow. When I threw it into the box, I had no idea what it was, some old book maybe – and everyone knows you never throw away books.

Why didn’t I burn it as I promised? I have to say it’s hilarious read though. I really am funny…

I don’t even know why I decided to write something here just now. I guess to update? Although for whose benefit… it’s only me who can read it. For the past me, then. You’ll be surprised, past Draco – well… that is a bit strange, addressing myself. Oh well...

So about the last entry – do I remember what happened after the end of school? I wrote to Potter, yes, I mean, it was delayed a month or so, but I wrote back. And then he wrote again and I wrote back (probably late again) and then it went back and forth. But I remember that summer and the most of the following year were awful. I barely left the house, I was angry, sad, sometimes happy and then angry again and I was screaming at everything and everyone, furniture, house elves, my mother. She kept her cool for a while, the whole summer actually, but at the end of September, she slapped me across my face after one of my tantrums and yelled back at me. I was so shocked – she was livid, saying she wouldn’t tolerate my behaviour anymore, that I am sulking all the time, not doing anything, not helping her, barely leaving my bedroom, and if I thought she doesn’t have it hard too. I can’t say her speech sank in.

It was in December, New Year’s Eve to be precise, when Pansy literally dragged me out of my bed (at that point I didn’t see anyone, only mother) and with portkey in her hand landed us in Florence. I was furious, which I made obvious very quickly and loudly and she just waved her wand, my pyjamas changed into a suit made out almost entirely of glitter (and I only remember this because that shit stuck on my skin and hair for weeks afterwards) and said we were going to have a good time. We met with Blaise and Ginny (yeah, they were still together, they are together still, I should say), Daphne and her sister Astoria, Greg, and we were going from club to club. I remember I danced, or tried to I guess – I wasn’t having fun. When the midnight came, I embarrassingly enough started crying. What was even worse, Astoria was there and hugged me and then I was embarrassed even more. We talked and agreed to meet.

But when the date came, I didn’t move out of bed. It was at the beginning of February when Potter wrote me about his dating life – like I cared. That did it. He was living his life, not afraid to go out and have fun, work, live. I got in touch with Blaise, asking him about that therapist of his. That’s how it started, my awful sessions.

I hated it at the beginning, I barely spoke, only answered with one word. But I kept coming and coming and somehow started talking. There was a lot of anger, tears, shame, sadness, fear, yelling. But I was finally able to leave the house, meet people, not having bursts of anger every hour, having normal conversations.

In autumn, I started dating Astoria. I loved her, she was smart and fun and beautiful and yet I wasn’t in love with her enough to fight for us. She broke up with me one august night after we had sex, still gasping, she said she loved me and it was fun but felt like half the time we were together I was somewhere else and she wanted to break up after a spectacular sex – she was flatterer till the end. I cried when she left, she was one of the best things that happened in my life and once again, I was angry and alone.

I went to Blaise’s and Ginny’s Christmas party that year, which was also a housewarming party and there, after more than two years, I met Harry (yes, I refer to him by his first name now, occasionally though,  _Potter_  also slips out). At that point we were still exchanging letters frequently, never meeting (at the beginning he asked here and there, but I continued to decline and then he stopped and we never crossed paths) and I was a bit overwhelmed seeing him. He, however, seemed fine with seeing me. We talked and drank and ate and it was like we were friends, which I guess we were at that point.

Somehow I agreed on a meeting, and then another and another and another… until I kissed him at my birthday party (which he was late two hours for).

And yeah, people talked crap but after maybe six months(?) they crapped less and less. It wasn’t easy, but I didn’t care anymore.

And then I found myself in love with him (maybe I was a little in love even at Hogwarts). I first said it on 6th of June, when he finally, after almost a year together, made my tea to perfection. I blurted ‘I love you’ and the tea went cold by the time we were done. Mhm, yeah, that was a really good day… anyway…I forgot what I wanted to write next…

Basically, Draco, we’re still together. I/you even have a job now brewing potions, although it took a while for the business to take off and profit, you know, the Malfoy name and all (Harry is an Auror, in case you cared, but no surprise there). And we moved in together yesterday, I was just sorting through my stuff when I pulled out this diary. Would you believe that it was me who suggested it? Yeah, I don’t know what came over me either, but here I am, listening to him making whole lot of noise in the kitchen while unpacking his collection of mugs (I kid you not, he has a collection of cups and glasses that carry his name, photo or some kind of joke/pun, which I definitely didn’t start when I bought the first one as a JOKE, Potter!). But I think I’ll manage with him, he’s clean enough, doesn’t do much of a mess and is great in bed – doesn’t snore too loudly – plus gives amazing blowjobs, so there’s that. I mean we still argue about bullshit and about important things too, sometimes there are better days, sometimes there are worse but I wouldn’t change it for anything or anyone else, I really love my life most of the time and I do love him and I don’t care if you find it sappy, past Draco – should you manage to travel into the future and read this!

I guess that’s it, there’s so much else I’d have to remember that happened during the years that it would take forever to write it all down. Thank Merlin for photos, though. (Maybe if I’ll remember and will have time I’ll attach some here.)

So… see you later. Or never – in case I’ll really set fire to it… no, sorry, past me, I know how excited you were about it, but at this point, I doubt that will happen.

 


	151. January 22nd, Sunday

The fuck Potter?!

 

 

_Draco,_

_I’m leaving you a note here, read carefully: if you won’t tell me what you’ve done with the mugs Ron and Hermione gave me for Christmas, there will be consequences! Like seriously, why do you hate them so much?? YOU started the whole ' _let's give Potter a mug with his stupid mug on it to piss him off _' thing (pity it backfired on you, though) and you can keep denying it, but it won't change the fact that at the end of the day it's your fault I adore them so much! Give them back and I won’t do anything to that beautiful and expensive silk scarf you bought for yourself the other day. Your decision..._

_Love you, Harry._

 

They were atrocious and Weasley only gave them to him to annoy me!!! They ruin aesthetic of the whole damn flat (these were absolutely the worst of his 'collection' and he should be happy I didn't touch the rest of it) and they will stay banished, I don’t care!!! Fuck the scarf, I’ll buy another one if I have to.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is officially the last entry, I wanted to include some cute little input from Harry to close the story...  
> Thank you for reading, kudos and comments (I read them all) and I loved this whole journey, I hope you enjoyed it too :D


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